Her: I said I’d like to see you BETTER yourself.
Me: Oh. *slowly puts down butter knife*
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November is the Sunday of months. no I will not explain
Sean Connery still has nightmares about the time he told a woman to sit on his face.
FBI Agent: You’re accused of attempting to hijack a Mentos truck & drive it into a Diet Coke bottling plant
Me: …
FBI: …I kind of want to see that
Me: I KNOW, RIGHT?!
ME: I wish my enemies’ hair had nerve endings
GENIE: dude
My best friend is marrying my husband’s best friend. What could possibly go wrong?
when steven spielberg was my age he was directing Jaws. meanwhile i am posting stuff like “drunk yoda be like ‘good to drive i am, give me the keys you will'”
You know you’re drunk when you sit down on the toilet & try to put your seatbelt on
[adopting dog]
VOLUNTEER: we need your life history to make sure this animal is safe[leaving hospital with baby]
DOCTOR: don’t let him die
My dog and I are not cleaning up after you, you sick cannibals
(When I hear a news report of someone getting run over while walking their dog) IS THE DOG OKAY JUST TELL ME THE DOG IS OKAY
When you’re not sure if people keep waving at you you might need to ease up on the hellocinogens
*Hamburglar returns home with bag of hamburgers*
*his wife, holding a crying baby, slaps the bag out of his hands*
“WE NEED MONEY, DAMMIT!”
Why are Diva Cups only for women why can’t I win one.
I pronounce it liberry but I also call them bo-oks so people have a choice on which one makes them angrier
I’m “Since when did it become unacceptable for your socks to show” years old.
Today is “bring your dog to work day”. I thought it was “bring your dawg to work day”. So now DeShaun has to leave. Sorry dawg
I think I know the stress of a guy disarming a ticking time bomb after my wife watched me while I unloaded the dishwasher.
The cashier told me to have a good holiday like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats, and hummus suggests anything else.
[my head is bleeding]
HIM: Have u seen a doctor???
ME: Buddy, I’ve seen several. Let me tell u about a little show called Grey’s Anatomy…
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
*Sneezes*
Dating: Bless you
Engaged: You’re adorable
Married: We need to talk
Date: I like guys who are sensitive
Me *through mouthful of ice cream* this hurts my teeth
Homophobia isnt much about fear, true, but I wish it was more like Arachnaphobia(I heard that every year in your sleep you swallow 7 gays)
4: The baby has a lot of skin!
Me: I think he has a normal amount of skin…
4:
Me: ….definitely the right amount of skin for him….
4:
Me: Please don’t do anything to his skin.
“It’s ok to double dip if you eat the whole bowl of chips & salsa by yourself!”
I shout as I swat my date’s hand away
“Blind dates are fun!”
Got Christmas card glitter all over me and now I can’t stop stripping.
[Block Party]
Me: The Johnsons brought hotdogs.
Host: Just toss them on the fire.
[Later]
Host: Why are the hotdogs still frozen?
Me: Good news! We won’t have to worry about the Johnsons playing loud music at night!
In the car and passed by a cop and my 12 year old says “everyone be cool! Act normal!”
Expecting that Father of the Year award any day now
Finally sorted the Tupperware cupboard. Only took 20 minutes and fifty seven days.
“Joe Biden and I are so close, some places in Indiana refuse to serve us pizza.” – President Obama