her: i saw a shark walking along the beach
me: *flicks cigarette* sharks don’t even have feet, jen
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Marriage is an institution. So is the mental hospital.
Pot warmers of the day.
Easing back into Twitter is like slipping on your own shit
Horrifying, yet familiar
How in the hell do people lose their children in a mall?
Seriously, any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
ME: *points at my “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*
CO-WORKER: *points at his own “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*
ME: *takes a sip from my “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*
CO-WORKER: *sips from his own “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*
ME: [eyes narrow] *draws “World’s Greatest Dad” sword*
Professor: Today’s exam is written. Next week we will do oral
Class in unison: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
Fox: Winter is here. We need a plan to survive.
Bear: I have a great idea! We just sleep until spring.
Goose: Wanna hear migrate idea?
The part I hate about this new cereal is unwrapping all the foil eggs.
WIFE: Kate’s new baby is 7lbs 11oz
ME:
WIFE: Roughly ½ a stone
ME:
WIFE: 3½ kilos
ME:
WIFE: [sigh] a four pack of beer
ME: Oh cool
Reddit really can be a magical place sometimes
Me: I did pretty well. I left with four kids, and I came back with four kids.
Wife: The same four kids?
Me: I’ll be right back.
They say, “stain proof,” I say “challenge accepted.”
Was shocked to hear this little girl say she wanted to be a street walker when she grows up until I realized she meant a crossing guard.
WIFE: I can’t believe you ruined my birthday yesterday
ME: What a load of bollocks, Karen. I didn’t even know it was your birthday
Me: You’re telling me someone broke into the house and the only thing that was stolen was the ice cream?
Husband: (without breaking eye contact) Yes.
Friend: I said be selfish.
Me dressed as a clam: Oh
*signing sign in sheet*
(to myself): This will be worth a lot once I’m famous.
Hospital Nurse: Alright let’s get that pea out of your ear.
Will I still enjoy it if I haven’t seen Shepherd’s Pie 1-5?
me: it was my first day in prison, so I went up to the biggest, scariest guy and punched him
St. Peter: then what happened
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
there’s probably a fee though
My 11-year-old is talking about what she wants her future house to look like and I’m pretty sure she is describing a zoo.
“Hey dude, my eyes are up here, and over here, and over here too.”
-a potato
every time i take my teen to a flea market she buys a weapon, so i now know which room i’ll be running to in a home invasion
Thanks for telling me your astrological sign, cause now I know a lot about your personality. Like you are a gullible dummy.
A Japanese game show where you have to run through a room full of hungry German Shepherds holding your boyfriend’s mom’s cat.
It’s not fair how many boring things my nephew gets out of going to simply by shitting his pants.
I read that playing mind games will keep your brain sharp. I’ll start tonight by acting like I’m not mad when I really am mad.
Is it too early to start drinking? – some moron with a clock.
when im eating a salad and some leaf stems are sticking out of my mouth i feel like a brontosaurus