Never forget.
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So me and my demons are gonna have a few bloody mary’s and see where the day takes us. Would you and your demons like to tag along?
Shout out to people who text you and apparently throw their phone into a river as soon as they hit send?
snakes on a plane sequels:
– snakes on a plane yes, again somehow
– penguins on a pirate ship
– dogs on parole
– horses in a bad mood
If we’re together and you lose track of me, just follow the line of croissant crumbs right on back.
And you may be thinking, “But Katie, you weren’t even eating a croissant when I lost you…”
Trust me.
Love is for stupid people who don’t have Twitter.
My dentist asked me if I had a problem with my gums bleeding. You’d have to be really laid back to not have a problem with that.
I could die climbing Mount Everest or I could die sitting on my couch eating Tostitos and I think we all know which one is preferable.
*walks into a restaurant*
Waiter: Sir, I have Stewed Liver, Boiled Tongue & Frog’s Legs.
Me: Enough bout your problems. Get the Menu Card
“You’re driving us apart!” —Crazy woman you met on eHarmony who’s hanging onto your windshield wipers as you turn the corner
My twins have been coming home from school every day with big cardboard models and I’m taking this as an act of war so tomorrow I’m sending one twin with a whistle and one with a book that plays baby shark on repeat
Back in my day we had another word for selfie sticks, we called them friends.
No parenting book prepared me for “trying to dry a papier-mâché model of a red blood cell in your oven at 6am”.
2010: Didn’t jog
2011: Didn’t jog
2012: Didn’t jog
2013: Didn’t jog
2014: Haven’t jogged~ This is a running joke
My mom licked her thumb and wiped a smudge on my face in public today, and now I have an urge to eat all my vegetables and go to bed at 8.
6 was jealous about other kids getting notes in their lunches, so I put one in his:
“Sorry, I ate your pudding. Love, Dad.”
[inventing napkin dispenser]
bob: it has two settings
ceo: ok
bob: one at a time
ceo: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
ceo: first of all i love it
Hot Fuzz; Sea mine
8- Dad, why is there oxygen on earth, but not on any other planet?
M- Are you sure you just don’t want to know where baby’s come from?
Once upon a midnight dreary, While I pondered my next mealy, Came an empty tapping, a rapping at my pantry door. Quoth the Ramen “ever poor”
I never finish anything. I have a black belt in partial arts.
doctor: does this make you uncomfortable?
me: yes
doctor: and how about this?
me: yes
doctor: and what about this?
me: please stop kissing my mom
[first day working in mcdonald’s drive-thru]
customer: I’d like to pay for the guy behind me, too
me: he’s not on the menu
5yo discovered superglue when I wasnt looking. His theory is that is fixes everything, including ripped pages in books.
I was hooked on auctions after only going once …going twice
Moan louder every time the cashier scans one of your items.
[trying extremely hard not to say it]
deviled egg nog
Cashier: the receipt is in the bag
Me: you too
I try to kill that fly in the house five or six times and then just open the storm door and let him fly away. It was never personal.
[concert]
Security Guard: Ma’am, do you have alcohol in your bag?
Me: I don’t think so. Here, hold this flask while I check.
Me at dinner on a first date: I’m not answering any more questions without a lawyer.