HER: I still think you made up that word just so you could win at Scrabble
ME: that’s ridictacular
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sisqo: [filing a missing persons’ report] she had dumps like a truck
cop: i keep telling you, i don’t know what that means
Date: Do you want to go upstairs?
Me: Sure.
Date: Do you have any protection?
Me: Who’s up there?
wife *sees chair* [thinking] That would look great with the new rug in the living room
me *sees chair* [thinking] Chair
Me *writing*: she was like 12 slices of key lime pie in a dress- tart, cool, totally whipped.
Her: I can hear you.
Me: she could hear me
if the sun is such a cool and great star then why do all the other stars leave when it shows up
As our eyes met across a crowded room, he turned to the man next to him and said, “that’s her…” and that’s how the cop delivered the restraining order
I bet the creator of the artificial heart is pretty pissed that we still use “sliced bread” as our basis for great inventions.
Just got unfollowed by exorcist scary looking lady with crazy eyes who has “will get in cars with strangers” in her bio. I’m hiding……..
I sold the armchair I had in my room and now I have nowhere to put my clean laundry and stare at it for 8 days??
Don’t worry. Your secret is safe with me, I won’t say a word about your “wenital werpes” *winks*
me: *excitedly* this is my first time taking a train
conductor: *sprinting* GIVE IT BACK
I thought Game of Thrones was a show about bathrooms
A legal holiday weekend implies the existence of an illegal holiday weekend
I always wear running shoes while driving because you won’t know what the terrain will be like until after the cop pulls you over.
I love that “take out” means food, dating, and murder.
When they told you to ‘seek attention’, they meant ‘medical’, not ‘internet’, psychopath.
Boss: Staff meeting at 3:00.
Me: I can’t come, I’m allergic.
Boss: But we’re not serving food.
Me: … yeah now I really can’t come.
Imagine a spider. Scary, right? Wrong. This spider is imaginary. Really makes you think
Any dinner can be a murder mystery dinner if you’re ambitious enough.
The best thing I ever did was install a fake doorbell.
Now no one ever knocks on my door.
if ur dad didn’t want to be more than friends then why did he get me that delicious glass of water
Verizon is selling off tumblr already, like someone who bought a doll at a garage sale that was labeled “WARNING: THIS DOLL IS HAUNTED”, took it home, got tormented by a ghost, then went “hey, I think this thing is haunted”
I want a name that can only be written using straight lines, so I’ll be changing my name to Wilx Kivz.
The kids are asking for fun shaped sandwiches for their back-to-school lunches and I’m so flattered they’ve mistaken me for the kind of mother who would do that
Bedroom notes:
Whipped cream – Yes
Sriracha – No
An app told me I had a notification and the notification was that there were no new notifications, so we’re all dealing with a lot rn
Sometimes I wear glasses to work just so I can take them off really fast in disgust.
Yesterday, Mike heated up his fish in the break room.
Today, Mike is missing.
Don’t be like Mike.
[hotel]
me: do you offer turndown service
concierge: sorry no
me: thank you
“This smoothie is spicy!”
“Ma’am, that’s salsa.”