If you’re trying to lose weight but you’re starving, eat a banana. I’ve had 73 of them today
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I’m not saying that I’m clueless. But I just realized that the guy that told me 8 years ago “I don’t like your pants, you should take them off *wink* ” was flirting with me.
Every room is a panic room if someone over 40 in there ate cheese in the last hour
The cat hair really brings out the notes of fruit and cedar doesn’t it
– Me, if you’re drinking wine at my house
Fetty Wap’s full name is Fettuccine Wireless Application Protocol.
Anyone know how soon I should start roasting our Christmas turkey so I can be sure it will be nice and dry enough in time for the big day?
Ice cream man: in a cup or in a cone
Me: cone please. I find the cups upset my stomach.
I don’t need lip fillers. I have two toddlers constantly head-butting me.
building forts as fast as I can but I’m running out of pillows
Hey guys who are angry that women are taking a stand against cat-calling, stop with all that scowling, you look so pretty when you smile!
[lost in Spain]
Wife: ask that man where we are
Me [pretending to speak Spanish with a local]: gracias
Wife: well?
Me: we are in Spain
Me: Hey, wanna feel really old?
Friend: Yeah?
Grandma: Stop telling people to poke me you little shit!
“Hey, smell this.”
-Me, about to chloroform my feral kids before bedtime.
We’re all lucky we didnt grow up in medieval times because most court jesters were murdered.
My husband let me sleep in late and then made me pancakes.
Someone please let Dateline know my death was absolutely premeditated.
I don’t share cheese on the first date.
if you ever think that you’re having a bad day just remember, there once was a lady who lived in a shoe
Reading about how much Daniel Craig hates Bond is like The Pope Visiting Kim Davis all over again.
People think I’m kissing an imaginary girl when I play air tuba.
[god creating hotdogs]
inflate that worm
after murdering a dude with a library book john wick then returns it to its place on the shelves. please do not follow his example; you should always return books to the designated reshelving locations so their use may be logged by the staff and orderly statistics kept.
When dogs suddenly stop licking themselves and stare into the distance, they’re thinking, “Shit. Did I leave the iron on?”
Me: Ok, here we go. Right foot, yellow
Me: Left hand, red
Me: Left foot, green
Police sketch artist: this can’t be true
Someone had to say it 🤷♂️
I’ve never felt more understood than when my 7yo climbed into my bed, heard his dad snoring like a chainsaw and went right back to his own room.
[Bat symbol lights up Gotham’s sky]
“Gordon needs me, the city needs me.”
[Robin waving flashlight around]
“Oh wow look they need me too.”
me: what’s your sign
chef: spisces
We’d like to sincerely apologize for booking the Karate Convention on the same day as the Rare Wooden Boards Fair
He drinks a whiskey drink
He drinks a vodka drink
He drinks a taco drink
He drinks a pizza drink– me with a broken jaw
Idea: Always carry around a chicken, so if you’re murdered your chalk outline won’t just be the same old boring shit.
My new diet plan is to hibernate and live off all this fat I’ve accumulated.