Me: (singing along with the car radio)
Friend: You know why this artist sings this song?
Me: No, why?
Friend: So you don’t have to.
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The dog couldn’t get up on the bed anymore so we built her a ramp and now she can jump 14 beds.
CEO: what’s the store layout
me: sick people will walk to the very back for prescriptions
CEO: ok
me: cigarettes will be right up front
CEO: first of all I love it
Witch: [cursing me] you will get hit in the head with a basketball everyday
Me: whatever
[next day, watching game]
Announcer on TV: and it looks like he missed the shot so bad the ball left the stadium
Me: what
[theres a knock on the door]
Me: *just trying to pick up my groceries in peace*
7: can I have a plastic ax? I promise I won’t hit you with it.
*getting undressed in front of someone for the first time*
sorry i look like this, i honestly didn’t think i was ever gonna do this again
Ok, Don’t let them know you’re an egg
“Mr Yolk, you are 20 minutes late for this interview”
[drags on cig] I was getting laid by a chick
When a movie has an exorcist, some demons are in for a bad time, but not at first.
“And… uh… chocolate kills dogs.” – God puts the finishing touches on life on earth.
wish me luck lads
“How would you describe yourself.”
Me – I absolutely would not.
I wonder how many people have moved to Carlsbad, CA just to spite someone named Carl
I like my men like I like my coffee shops.
Clean.
Smells nice.
Free wi-fi.
people are like ooohhh you’re twice divorced? yes. i like getting divorced, ok?
*walks up to microphone during wedding reception*
*taps on mic; everyone smiles*
“Anyone that doesn’t want their cake, pass it to me please”
[walks up to firefighters trying to put out a fire]
it’s alright guys i got this one.
*whips out a flamethrower*
TIME TO FIGHT FIRE WITH FI-
just clicked the “find my size” button on a clothing website and the prompt that came up said “what size do you normally wear” I selected my size and then it said “you should get that size”
um excuse me what’re we doin’ here
Remember when “anyone can grow up to be President” was aspirational, not an existential threat?
When you wear a cardigan for the very first time it’s just called a card
She’s dating the both of us bro. You’re my boyfriend-in-law.
~every 18 year old.
Side effect of quarantine is it’s really hard to end phone calls. Twice today I almost said “okay I have to run” before realizing there is nowhere to run to
All the roles in Gravity were played by Martin Lawrence.
I have a video appointment with my doctor.
I’m going to hang a photo of an empty examination room in front of the webcam and show up fifteen minutes late so he can experience what I normally go through.
Me: Porcelain. Earthenware. Stoneware. Ball Clay.
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Reciting pottery.
The average time it takes for an elderly woman to get her ringing cellphone out of her purse is 11 days.
January is the biggest month every year in my office for divorce filings.
So when someone says “Tis the season to be jolly!” I cynically think “Well. We shall see.”
*watches neighbor sprint outside in his underwear chasing the garbage truck after I rolled his trash can back to his house last night*
I once made 200 pairs of panties hit the ground at the same time.
Yeah I walked into a rack at Wal-Mart
Hesitated so much at the rap battle, the DJ called me Erminem.
*returning from an epic vacation of cool sightseeing, yummy foods, gorgeous hikes, stunning beaches, abundant wildlife, etc.*
Teacher: How was your vacation?
My son: A human pooped on the sidewalk.
My chihuahua’s basically a tiny cartel kingpin who’s scared of the rain.