When I was 18 I thought it would be cute to get a butterfly tattoo on my lower hip but after 6 c-sections it looks like a sad moth in a top hat.
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KID: I’m a brat!
WILLY WONKA: I am going to have you murdered.
Her: I want you to kill my ex but make it seem like an accident
Me: say no more
[Later]
Detective: looks like the killer beat him to death with a crowbar and then placed a banana peel by his feet
I was homeschooled so my back to school pics were of me standing in front of the house before I went back inside.
Pro Tip: don’t buy cheap duct tape. Your basement guests can chew right through that.
I just witnessed an employee choking on her noodles and now I feel sorry for her husband.
ME: Can you call me when you get home later so I know you’re okay
TAXI DRIVER: Again, no
we’re insta mutuals now 😌😌😌
“Playing hard to get huh?” I say as I flip through your wedding photos on facebook.
Did you know that actors in black & white movies often put their lives in danger during driving scenes, as they weren’t able to tell if the traffic light was green or red.
13 pulled me away from my desk “to come and taste the pizza she made” and incidentally a sink full of dishes ready to wash.
If your cat has ever accidentally fallen into the tub while you were taking bath, you’ve known chaos.
*night falls, the full moon rises*
ME: go, please! i don’t want you to see me…like…this
HIM: omg what’s happening
ME: *asleep by 10 pm*
Her: The laundry pods are missing!
Me: Oh really?
H: Did you eat them again?
M: Absolutely not *burps bubbles* why?
H: JUST CALL IT A HUNCH!
If you spin an oriental person around until they get dizzy, do they become disoriented? #LifeQuestions
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 5,000 signatures.
VILLIAN: all this money is mine
BANK TELLER: help us Velcroman, he’s getting away
VELCROMAN: *stuck to the floor* who puts carpet in a bank?
“I don’t care how goodlooking you are if you don’t have any brains.” -Zombies
You realize a robot is telling you to pick out tree pictures to make sure you’re not a robot.
*buys shed at B&Q*
B&Q: Are you putting this up yourself?
Me: No, it’s going in the garden.
B&Q:
Me:
B&Q: I can’t help you anymore.
Overheard a girl just say she’s full because she ate at 3:00. It’s 6:00. How can you stay full for THREE HOURS, alien?
PAL: Do you think the Cowboys will beat the Giants?
ME: There is no way
PAL: Why?
ME: Giants are very large and cowboys are just regular sized people
*Husband buys me flowers*
Me: Aw sweet, but don’t waste money on things that are going to die.
Him: But you keep buying the cat food.
too old for tik tok, too young for facebook, too weird for linkedin, not weird enough for reddit, too ugly for instagram…where will i go now
“Oh babe. All of that is for me?”
-Me, to my laundry basket.
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
Originally it was thought that it was our ability to love that made us human. However, it is now believed that it is our ability to pick out photos with traffic lights in them.
Boys get 1 polo shirt and wear it till the horse dies!!
I accidentally answered my phone & panicked when I heard someone say “hello?” so I just did the best I could & made the fax machine noise.
Beauty and the Beast is my favorite movie about how beauty is only skin deep. What’s important is that you’re rich & you have a giant castle
Immediately de-escalating an international conflict by posting an angry looking selfie with the caption “Come on, guys.”