I have a joke about trickle down economics.
99% of you won’t ever get it.
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My daughter, age 6, is into playing Would You Rather and her questions are not for the faint of heart, i.e., “Would you rather have eyes, or a grandma?”
Wife “WHY ARE THERE MUDDY FOOTPRINTS ALL OVER THE HALL?”
[Me while trying to push a zebra up into the attic] Must be that damn dog again…
I embrace aging gracefully
And bitterly
With good humor
And rage
[On WebMD]
I have a sore throat
[Throat cancer]
I wasn’t done, and a stomach ache.
[Cancer]
Couldn’t it be the flu?
[If it wasn’t cancer]
a depressed ship hitting an iceberg is called a sightanic.
Something’s wrong with the selfie camera on my new phone. It keeps making me look like I’m 40.
haven’t exploited a dead relative for attention yet but it’s on the table
[first day in the crime lab]
me: I can’t believe we get to invent new heists
no, babe. i haven’t seen your glasses.
A new dating show where couples have 30 minutes to meet, date, get engaged, get married, buy a house, raise 3 kids, retire, travel and die old together.
I’ve finally figured out why I can’t lose this extra weight. The shampoo I use in shower that runs down my body says, “4 extra volume & body
I thought $3 eggs 🥚 were a lot
Until a saw a small bag of pistachios at the Airport going for $18
My mom always said carry a jar of pickles in the store when pregnant and throw it on the ground as a decoy if your water should break, but now that I’m old I carry one in case I pee my pants.
[sees wife getting changed after work] you should leave them high heels on
“ohhh yeah?”
[thinking about the spider on the bathroom ceiling] yeah
Fine, I’ll bite. What’s stability?
My 6yo’s homework today is learning how to count backwards.
Yep that teacher knows about DUIs alright!
how i like to believe my wife sees me when i get a jar open or kill a spider
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
*Inspirational Tweets*
i lost so much hair in the shower i thought Chewbacca had joined me
“Nothing wins you an election better than noise pollution.” – Political rallies.
Speaking in rhyme seems perfectly natural for a serial killer, but is quite unnerving when my proctologist does it.
My 6yr old has ruined my life by learning how to spell. I can’t talk about anything with her around anymore. I knew this whole school thing was a bad idea.
Bad is when you finish the dishes then see a few more things to wash. Worse is when your wife is there so you can’t say you didn’t see them.
me [holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife: What does it say on the tag?
me: “Made in Vietnam”
wife: The other tag
me: Oh
wife:
me: “Gap”
*wearing five finger condoms on both hands* ok time for some safe sexting
instead of valuable antiques, my mom passes down my childhood pastel poofy-sleeved 80’s outfits so my kids can carry on the family legacy of looking stupid
Day 22 of quarantine and I’ve turned my living room into a nudist colony. The kids hate it but I’ve finally obtained some privacy