HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: I don’t. We’re awful. We should leave other people alone.
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them: did you know …
me: lemme stop you right there, pal you could fill an Amazon warehouse with what I don’t know
dentist: it’s important that you don’t scratch your enamel. understand?
me: yes
dentist: great. now open wide so i can claw your teeth with these steel hooks
Sauron: I made everyone cheese bagel bites
Middle Earth: Yay
Sauron: [makes his own bagel bite, but this time, with all the toppings]
#MarriedPeopleIssues
You hang up..
No, you hang up…
You hang up….
Noooo, you hang up. They’re your clothes. I’m not your maid.
Wendall feverishly works on a shirt made solely out of ramen
[hiking]
Me: you want some trail mix?Friend: yeah sure!
Me: *starts beatboxing*
Whenever a serial killer is caught, I always check my follower list to make sure you’re all still there.
Whenever I get a call from a telemarketer, I just treat them like a free therapist. We can talk about my car’s extended warranty after you figure out why I’m afraid of pralines.
If James Bond is so great why doesn’t he have a Pringles flavor.
Do furries go to doctors or vets?
ALEX TREBEK: well that’s important work you’re doing; the orphanage probably loves you
CONTESTANT: thank you
ME, SWEATING:
TREBEK: Matt, from new york, it says here you once got your hand stuck in a sink, tell us about that
CONFIRMED: Pete Davidson is now dating Sims 1 Bella Goth 🫢🫢
911: what’s your emergency?
me: there’s a really loud fight next door
911: we’ll send a narcissist with anger issues and a gun
me: omg thank you
Me: Ah-woooo!
The Moon: [swipes left]
I just realized that I’m using a new phone that has never been dropped. How coo
GOOD COP: Tell us what you know
BAD COP: Or we’ll turn up the heat
DAD COP: DON’T YOU TOUCH THAT DAMN THERMOSTAT
Remember, kids: If a 200-year old vampire fucks a teenager, it’s “romantic,” but if a 45-year old Muppet fucks a teenager, it’s “creepy.”
No one has done the dishes for like a week so I finally did the responsible thing and bought some paper plates.
“Doctor, how bad is it?”
“I mean, you’re just not a great singer. I don’t know why you needed a doctor to confirm for you, but there it is.”
If you don’t open your mouth while putting on mascara, you die.
As a kid, I always wondered why my mom never wore the macaroni necklace I made her to work. And now I’m a mom and I’m like, Oh. OK.
boss: you’re fired
me: [pausing tiktok] why
So when is too soon to ask your friend if you can borrow their baby to reenact The Lion King? One day old? Two?
Interviewer: And your references?
Me: 90’s television mostly.
It was nice of Microsoft to put their name on Excel after satan created it.
Welcome to your 40s: that was a good cookie here’s four pounds.
it’s sundress season and i have several dresses with pockets and and if you don’t think i’m gonna use them to carry spicy chicken nuggets and mini babybels, you are mistaken
“Four Weddings and a Funeral” is my favorite movie with 25% as many funerals as weddings.
(McDonald’s bathroom)
*pulls away from kissing*
You’re better than my mirror at home