Her: I want to travel the world in the new year
Me: I can see the whole universe in your eyes..
Her: I WANT TO TRAVEL THE WORLD OKAY.
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Forget hobbies and and interests, dating apps should require people to share their Amazon order histories.
“Don’t hate me ‘cause you ain’t me.”
“No, I hate you ‘cause you say stuff like that.”
“Beat up anybody you see drinking 7UP”
-first rule of Sprite Club
If I like you I keep you close, if not I keep you at a distance so I can mime squishing your head between my thumb and forefinger.
You are what you eat? I’m about to become sandals
Me: gets up, wakes kids, empties dishwasher, makes lunches, helps make kid beds, does kids’ hair, makes breakfast for everyone, showers, makes coffee, does laundry
Hubs:
Me: I did pretty well. I left with four kids, and I came back with four kids.
Wife: The same four kids?
Me: I’ll be right back.
Her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride dolphins
Me: i’m taking a plane Linda
Oh right, like you’ve never let your kids stay lost in a corn maze just a little longer.
I don’t know squat about bitcoin but with so many crypto experts following me, you’d think I had invented it.
I would enjoy running errands much more if there were beds I could nap in strewn about
[1868]
*forgets cup of coffee on top of horse*
If Chlamydia didn’t have all those negative associations with STIs, it would make a beautiful baby name
Shoutout to torpedoes for getting through hardships.
“There are hot Shingles in your area”
– My Doctor
A 13 yr old just told me I was cool for an old person. I almost slapped her then she said “you’re like 23, right? I bought her ice cream.
If it ain’t broke, my children haven’t touched it yet.
Yesterday I told my husband I was gonna get rid of all the kid’s toys because the house is full and today he told me I couldn’t buy any new ones, as if he thinks I meant it
*brings elephant to knife fight
*nobody talks about it
If your Facebook picture is a photo of a sunset or something inanimate, I’ll assume you have a dissociative identity disorder.
My family said if I don’t get a Facebook, they’d all get a Twitter
I sacrificed myself for all of twitter kind
I’m the Jesus of social media
Kylo Ren: I can’t read your mind! How are you resisting me?!
Rey: Occlumency lessons from Professor Snape.
Some people around here retweet like it’s coming out of their booze allowance.
Nothing’s labeled clearly, I was promised tea & never got any, the criminal justice system is barbaric.
~ Alice’s Yelp review of Wonderland
I don’t consider it a good night out if it doesn’t end up as a super villain’s origin story
business 101 classes:
– touching base
– getting on the same page
– drilling downbusiness 201 classes:
– circling back
– leveraging
– running it up the flagpolebusiness 301 classes:
– using your rich dad’s connections
Netflix: Do you want to watch this movie now?
Me: I have a social event that I’m already late for
Netflix: Oh ok
Me: No I mean put it on
“Mr musk we would like to use your fortune to help humanity”
*Elon Musk presses a button on his desk* “Just fired a boat into space”
“Please Mr Musk”
*presses button* “Now a banana”
“People are dying”
*presses button* “That one was a bear”
What’s the difference between a a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos,
a sock takes 5 toes.#SockDay #SundayVibes #RubbishJokes
Prince Charming fell madly in love with Cinderella after only one dance, yet I’ve performed a majestic rendition of The Humpty Dance at multiple weddings and haven’t gotten even one date out of it.