Her: I’d love to be a kept woman.
Me: [trying to impress] I happen to have a basement I use for keeping women.
You Might Also Like
Always carry a newspaper or magazine so you appear to be preoccupied. – stalker handbook page 2 paragraph 3
Before gravity was invented you had to tie down your cows or your cows would just float away
Her: do we have an LED lightbulb
Me: you don’t have to spell it the kids are asleep
If you or someone you love have gone to work today, you may be entitled compensation.
[Me in hospital bed]
My wife: How is he?
Dr: He was dead for 15m
Wife remembering “Til death do us part” in our wedding vows:*pumps fist
*nose hairs growing out of control
*buys tiny scissors
*jam them in the eyes of whoever I catch staring at my nose hairs
if anyone is picking on you, it’s really themselves they have a problem with, I promise
A man at a cemetery for Titanic victims claims to have taken a photo of a ghost. The ghost reportedly said “there was room for two people.”
the subway employee asks me what kind of cheese i would like on my sandwich, so i lean in, look them directly in the eyes & whisper, “haunted.”
“The name is Bond, Ja-”
– “Savings Bond?”
“No”
– “Chemical Bond?”
“NO!”
– “Autobahn?”
“You know you’re totally ruining this for me”
I wanna see some BUTTS on da dance floor! ONLY butts. Detached from their owners, just kinda in a pile. In the middle. Nice. Good butt pile.
Me: I have over 22k followers on Twitter.
Kid sitting next to me: I have imaginary friends too.
[god creating elephant]
“overfeed that aardvark”
When people start their sentence with the word ‘Listen’ I think maybe they don’t understand how conversations work.
Once there was a dead bat in our driveway, but he shrieked at me when I tried to pick him up and that’s how I found out dead bats are jerks.
in ratatouille 2 we find out that the secret to remy’s talent was a flea named jacques who lived on his head and controlled him by tugging at his individual hairs
a black mirror episode where u text someone and they screenshot it for 27.9m ppl
I have never cried at the movies as much as I did after Les Misérables when my wife said I couldn’t have fried chicken for the drive home.
A good friend will delete your browser history for you, but a best friend will make your chalk lines smaller
Dolphins are cute and friendly, until you owe them money.
Fortune Cookie:
You will go on a date with a beautiful woman. She could do so much better.
Pretty lame how horses and dogs don’t capitalize on their ability to wear 2 pairs of jean shorts at once
According to all these “note to self” sticky notes I am a very forgetful person also I have no idea what these notes mean
[when i was a kid]
DAD: remember, if a girl is mean to you, that means she likes you
[today]
MY BOSS: you screwed everything up this week you idiot
ME: sorry, i’m not really looking for a relationship right now
why did elementary schools just occasionally bring in a dude with a big snake. who was that man. what were his credentials
[at the mall]
“I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?”
“Sure, what’s his name?”
“Xander.”
“See, that’s why he ran off.”
PLOT TWIST: Maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnuts.
6: *putting on costume* ok, I’m the superhero! Who wants to be my sidekick, and who’s going to be the bad guy?
Mum: No! It’s bedtime, put your PJs on please!
6:….. alright, so mum’s the bad guy!
DATE: My ex was spineless & I don’t think I could date anyone like that again
ME, AN OCTOPUS: what