Her: I’d love to be a kept woman.
Me: [trying to impress] I happen to have a basement I use for keeping women.
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Me: I’ve got a preposition for you…
English teacher: I’m listening
bill nye is short for william new year’s eve
It’s not real love unless you leave your phone in plain sight overnight.
I swear I’d chuck this phone off a bridge if I didn’t know I’d chase after it.
PARAMEDIC: this man needs a transfusion
JESUS: i got this *turns water into wine*
PARAMEDIC: he doesn’t need wine he needs blood
JESUS: this is my blood
Sixteen years and 200+ million users ago, we could not have imagined ourselves here. Today, Vimeo is a public company. Thank you to everyone who helped us reach this point. We can’t wait to take Vimeo into the future. #VMEO
Che Guevara was such a revolutionary. He revolutionized the t-shirt sales.
The pool supply sales lady told me I should shock my swimming pool once a week, so I keep showing it my senior picture.
If Sesame Street really cared about children they’d realize Big Bird could feed a hungry family for a month.
how do I gracefully leave this party early but also take the queso dip with me
My son is so lazy he’s went from playing video games on the computer to watching other people play video games on the computer.
*emerging naked from a ball of lightning*
Me: You there! What year is it?
Tupac: It’s 1996 -are you-
Me: I’m from the future, yes
Tupac: To deliver a message!
Me: No
Tupac:
Me: I’m just going to live here
Tupac:
Me: You should uh… take a cruise or something though
Me: OMG, I haven’t seen you in so long!
Her: We’ve never met.
Me: That long huh?
Girl, yo grammatical atrocities so huge, you need typosuction.
uncle ben: remember pete, with great power comes great responsibility
peter parker: you’re right i should stop crimes with my webs
uncle ben (scared): ok.
Director: Ok, this time you have to say the butter part
Owen Wilson: wow
Director: The whole thing Owen, “Wow, I can’t believe it’s not butter”
Owen Wilson: wow
Me: I found some sunglasses. Got any wallets?
Lost&Found: this isn’t an exchange
Me: *pulls sunglasses back*
LF: security!
Me: *runs*
I lifted my hands up in the air and waved them like I just didn’t care…..
Ceiling fan: 6
Me: 0
My “Game of Thrones” is just me running around the mall looking for a clean toilet.
ME (at a bar where everybody knows my name): Hey—
EVERYBODY: DAVE! Get out of here.
I’m gonna pretend my dad didn’t abandon me but is actually on the missing Malaysia air flight and he’ll be back
Based on how I startle when toast pops up, I will never look cool walking away from an explosion.
Well this pretty much sums up 2020.
From Facebook just now…
having a drunk argument with someone over whether a sexy abraham lincoln costume would be hotter than a sexy teddy roosevelt and somehow we’re both losing
I can’t listen to music with my headphones at the office. Apparently everyone doesn’t enjoy the way I sing out loud
Genie: last wish
Me: make it so eating makes you skinny and working out makes you fat
Genie: ooh, good one
[city marathon]
ME *handing out drinks to the passing runners*: DRINK?
RUNNER *grabs drink from me*: THANKS
ME *chasing*: SO WHAT ARE WE?
Couch Potato: Do you think I’m fat?
Sweet Potato: I think you’re beautiful.
Baked Potato: Why do we have eyes that can’t see?
I’m at that age where all of my sentences start like this one.