So many pants.
So little yoga.
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Stuck in a massive traffic jam because I refused to take an alternate route. Suddenly realized why the orange cones are shaped like dunce caps.
ME: *reading a tweet* What does fr mean?
WIFE: For real
ME: Yes Sharon. I wouldn’t ask if I didn’t want to know.
Dont think about tomorrow because thats when the judge starts using the term premeditated.
My daughter wants to be something scary for Halloween this year so she’s going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
Teacher: how should we punish the students?
Principal: make them stay home
Teacher: that doesn’t seem like a punishment..
Principal (just 3 kids in a trench coat trying not to laugh): omg they’ll hate it
ok so i’m watching gladiator and the romans are white people with british accents. ok hollywood. alright.
NYC parks department on naked Trump statue: “NYC Parks stands firmly against any unpermitted erection in city parks, no matter how small.”
*vows*
Groom: I love you so much, & publicly, in front of all our friends, I want everyone to know, Die Hard is in fact, a Christmas Movie!
friend: i just had an edible
me: you can just say food
birds really just be screaming at 5am, go make breakfast damn
I’m not stressed
My daughter returned from a birthday party without bringing me cake. She said they didn’t even have cake. They had cupcakes. And they were the mini ones. And they got one each.
This is not a birthday party, it’s a horror movie.
Him, a vampire: This isn’t going to work.
Her: Is it because my name is Buffy?
Him: Yes.
Her: Hey, don’t hate the slayer, hate the name.
My preferred mode of travel is sock sliding.
Hey girl, are you the week-old leftover Chinese food I ate for lunch because you are not agreeing with me.
looking at weird sushi roll names and uh
Good thing most planes have TVs. Nothings worse than having to look out the window at Earths sacred majesty from the point of view of angels
Women are like jelly donuts.
No… women are more like a danish.
On 2nd thought, they’re like a giant cookie.
Sorry, I’m at the Bakery.
Any song can be a lullaby if you sing it gently enough.
Danny Devito’s full name is Daniel DeTotototototo.
Bruises are your bodies way of reminding you that you should nap more and gallivant less.
I just got cut off by a bald man in a BMW, so I pulled up next to him, rolled down my window, and laughed at him.
When another writer is telling you about their latest script deal.
henry VIII found four more women to marry him after he cut his wife’s head off and i can’t get a txt back
Me [pitching a book idea]: It’s a create your own adventure book. But instead of an adventure you are actually making choices which will determine what you should have for dinner. Fights over dinner will be eliminated.
Him: So all paths lead to ordering pizza?
Me: Obviously.
You had me at “define legal”.
I already tried new things thanks.
I talk a lot of shit for a girl with a blankie.
He’s making a list, he’s checking it twice, he’s leaving the store, he still forgot milk
WIFE: This is dumb.
DAUGHTER: This is so stupid.
ME: This is getting out of hand!
THIS: [leaping out of my palm] I HATE YOU GUYS I’M LEAVING