Her idea of extending an olive branch was to sharpen one end first, then extend it REALLY hard.
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90% of your body is water. 6% is delusion. 4% is lies.
Tried to steal some candy from a baby.
I got hit in the face with a rattle and then it puked on me
They lied about how easy that was.
My husband wants to know why our microwave is suddenly filthy like the break room microwave back at his office. I only see one common denominator here.
I almost just turned down a beer.
Calm down, I said almost.
“how did people keep up with TV before the internet?” my young friend, we didn’t need phones. if you missed an episode, there would be one person in every classroom the next morning re-enacting the plot like a town crier.
Luckily you can’t be arrested for soliciting a donut.
My son’s doing a report on the Cold War and asking what ended it. “I’ve got that answer right here,” I say. *starts Rocky IV dvd*
Jehovah’s Witness: Do you have time to talk about Jesus?
Jesus: *In disguise* sure
JW: He’s lame
J: *rips off fake beard* Big mistake pal
I’m pretty sure my kids see a freshly vacuumed floor as a challenge.
A mongoose is just a goose who listens to reggae
I opened the fridge door, but something inside slammed it shut. It’s going to be Uber Eats until we can move out.
[invention of surfing]
“Stand on this wood so sharks don’t eat you”
It might just be MAX now, but whenever his mom gets mad she still calls him by his full name, Hubert Bertinelli Oscar Maximus the third
My nail technicians always speak their native language around me and I can’t help but feel left out…it’s like…come on besties…I want to make fun of me too
Why did I schedule my dental cleaning first thing on a Monday morning? I hate who I was 6 months ago.
Instagram better not use my cloud pics. THEY’RE MY CLOUDS GET YOUR OWN CLOUDS ZUCKERBERG!
Forget solar power and wind power, we need to find a way to channel the unbridled rage 3yos have when they wake up into some kind of renewable energy. It’s the most powerful force on earth.
karate master: the easiest way to knock someone unconscious is to hit their temple
[later]
my bully brad: you’re stupid
me: where is your place of worship
*gets crushed by a bus*
*checks to see if phone is intact*
I can still remember that one New Year’s Eve when I had too much to drink and peed in my neighbor’s bushes ten minutes ago
Him: You’re pretty obnoxious. You know that?
Me: I’m sorry. All I heard was pretty.
mom: what’s that internet thing called, “scream shitting”?
me: …
me: shitposting?
mom: SHITPOSTING.
The other day my son asked me who picks up the seeing eye dog’s poop.
If anyone’s looking to join a pyramid scheme, hit me up and I’ll connect you with all the girls I went to high school with via facebook.
Interviewer: It says here on your resume you can make chicks laugh, how?
Me [holding a chick in my hand & tickling it]: I’m a miracle worker
Christmas movie innkeepers play fast and loose with their unattended candles.
EVERY SENTIENT & NON-SENTIENT CONGLOMERATION OF MOLECULES ON THIS EARTH HAS A BF. WTF.
His arrival was foretold in the ancient murals.
If you’ve ever wondered what it’s like to try to dress a jelly fish, here, try to get pants on my toddler