The Dominos “tracker” says Ashley just left with my pizza so I only have a few minutes to get naked. Just glad it’s not Brad…
…again.
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Pee your name in the snow and you’ll quickly understand why they teach cursive in our schools.
Feeling extremely smug after being the best at pulling over to let an ambulance pass
When you’re drunk do a selfie with your bestie
Principal: *pats me on the back at my graduation*
Me, who has never been burped: *burps for two full hours*
Some people come into your life for a reason.
Like for target practice.
*bugs bunny*
bunny: stop bothering me
Silent Night is my favorite song about my kids staying at their grandparent’s house.
I always cry at weddings, but only because being that close to large cakes makes me so happy.
When you’re eating fries and get that one- not a cold one, not a sharp one, but one tastes like death, like something went real wrong- and then you just keep going.
I threw a ball for my dog.
Extravagant, I know.
But he looks amazing in a tuxedo.
Dear toilet paper companies
I think it’s safe to say you can stop airing tv commercials
Alanis Morissette sings about having 10,000 spoons when all she needs is a knife. And nobody asks why she has 10,000 spoons?
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
“You have a BA? Ooooh! Look at you! Well, I have a BA, an MA, & a PhD.”
– 3rd degree burn
A hawk swooped low to fly alongside my car, and for a moment I felt at one with the universe. We both were going somewhere, the hawk and I. Also, each of us was eating a mouse
Most of my exercise comes from getting up to let the cat in and out.
“We don’t have iced coffee”
Me: “You have coffee?”
“Yes”
Me: “You have ice?”
“Yes”
Me: “Were you raised in a barn?”
I hate when friends send me home with leftovers in plastic containers. “Here, you throw this food away and then clean the containers.”
There’s nothing worse than being in public & you touch something that shouldn’t be sticky & it is.
I was attacked by two different owls. I think they were in cahoots.
My life coach traded me.
Welcome to your 40s, your gum’s flavor outlasts your chewing stamina now.
Skrillex! It’s your cousin Marvin. Marvin Skrillex! Know that sound you’ve been looking for? I think I found it! *holds phone up to blender*
is it possible to get my dehumidifier to water my houseplants
I do not have a firm grasp on physics but have sketched what I have in my mind, with it strapped to a ceiling fan
STEPHEN KING WRITING ABOUT LIVING IN NEW ENGLAND: The old man who ran the town dump communed with darkness. He kept a Hand of Glory in a 1982 Boston Bruins mug. Crows and bats were his to command.
ME AFTER MOVING TO NEW ENGLAND: Jesus, I used to think Stephen King made shit up.
Freak out your neighbors by removing one member of their stick figure decal family each night.
tv host: and you’re all going home with a copy of his new book!
me: pfft i am NOT learning to read for that guy
The lid on our bottle of glitter is not childproof. I know this now.
Me: this is bullshit. conditioner and shampoo in one? impossible
Walmart employee who I have in a headlock: sir I didn’t make the shampoo
The best coffee is outside my house but the best no bra is inside my house so you see my dilemma