HER: If you could have any pet—
ME: Panda.
HER: Wow. Okay, what would you name—
ME: Pandrew.
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everybody’s gangsta until seaweed touches their leg
My parents didn’t raise me to be disrespectful. I had to practice.
A child is being pushed around in a pink toy convertible while eating a chocolate frosted donut, and I want to ask her how she got this job.
teachers: it’s the 100th day celebration
me: oh wow, alread-
teachers: your kid has to bring something in
me: oh ok, sure what shou-
teachers: 100 somethings
groan^2
Hike in groups. Bears like to have options
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…Florist- “Umm. You’re gonna have to pay for those.”
a toddler pointed at me earlier and said “baby” and i nodded. it’s true. i am also a baby. real recognise real
funny how dumbass pet animals will eat the same thing every day without realizing that Subway® offers over 19 different ways to Eat Fresh™
*runs Baywatch style through Wendy’s drive-thru*
him: I love animals, especially dogs
me: *I could really like him*
him: birds too
me: *he’s dead to me*
Kindly respect my midwestern lifestyle and do not make any crude or irreverent jokes at this time.
saw a post the other day explaining how killer whales became the #1 predators of cows in Alaska. turns out cows love to eat the kelp churned up by rough seas. also turns out cows get hit by waves and washed out to sea.
also cows float. 😂🐄🦈
astronaut: houston we have a problem
houston: what is it?
astronaut: my wife left me
houston: we only deal with space problems
astronaut:
houston:
astronaut: my wife left me while I was in space
[god making cheetahs]
Let’s just squish a giraffe and give it whiskers
mob boss: i need u take out the rat
[later]
rat: [sets napkin down] the cheese was to die for
me: yes it was
rat: what
does the “apple a day keeps the doctor away” thing work on all types of doctors? my neighbor is a PhD in marine biology and keeps trying to talk to me about the various uses of squid ink
teacher: are u a visual thinker, auditory thinker, or kinesthetic thinker
me: oh im not a thinker
dude killed a sea lion with his bike
I think I am adventurous until I have to follow a detour or park in a tight lot
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation and don’t have to get up.
Me: [starts learning how to juggle saucepans]
[inventor of cursive] what if the letters held hands
What idiot called them astronomers and not skyentists
Wife: It’s time for a vacation.
Me: Where do YOU want to go?
Wife: Hmm… Maybe the Bahamas?
Me: Great idea! And, I’LL go camping upstate!
Told my mother that I have a problem with self-loathing. She said at least I’m a good judge of character.
Now’s a good time to change your facebook name to “Nobody,” so when you click like on ignorant statuses it says, “Nobody likes this.”
Every so often I Google my name hoping someone stole my identity and made a better something out of myself.
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me
Fool me three times, show me how you do that
Having a teenager is fun because the voice in my head that questions everything I do now has a friend
There should be four and only four chat rooms on Twitter.
A sorting hat assigns us to one and we stay there plotting against the other rooms