Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
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Just bought a telescope and the eldest asked if I’d be doing horoscopes.
Yes.
Leo: You will be written out of someone’s will.
me: *popping balloons*
kid: you’re mean
me: do YOU want to smuggle the heroin
When a crab dies does it become a ghost in the shell
(Going through Emergency Go Bag)
Hubs: We have no matches or flint
Me: We don’t need any
Him: How would we start a fire if we needed one?
Me: (slaps my thighs) just let me run for a few minutes and the friction between these two bad boys will start a forest fire
serial killer: come take a ride with me to the desert
me: sure!
serial killer: r-really
me: yeah there’s no light pollution and i love astronomy
serial killer: ok but you have to ride in the tr-
me: *hopping in the trunk* to the stars!
No Karen; a stable relationship is not
when you move in with the horses.
*goes out*
*realises why I stay in.*
There is no real comfortable way to explain to your gynecologist that it’s your feet that smell.
Make librarians cry by calling it a “Book Museum” while taking pictures with your iPad.
Boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go.
Me: Really? That’s not what these pics of you and your secretary said. They said I need a raise.
Astronaut: *takes a picture of the moon*
Moon: delete it
My husband asked if I know the attractive, young woman who jogs down our street every day around lunch and this is one way to lose an office with a view.
announcer: now presenting hollywood’s most illegible bachelor!
audience member: you mean eligible?
announcer: [holds up picture of badly drawn stick man]
Me: want a grilled cheese?
6yo: no. How about a cheeseburger without the meat.
Me: you got it.
The twelve days of Christmas be like:
Days 1-4: Birds
Day 5: FINALLY, A DECENT GIFT
Days 6-7: oh… more birds
Days 8-12: Slavery(?)
Me: *explains math problem*
Tween: I don’t understand.
Me: *explains the exact same way except more aggravated*
HUSBAND: You dropped your phone, broke a glass, and frightened the dog.
ME: Yeah, but I killed the spider!
[Arrested for prank calling police]
Cop: You get one phone call
Me: ok
*cop’s phone rings*
Me: is your refrigerator running
Smooooooth
*plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth* are you theriouthly breaking up wiff me??
Can’t believe spirit halloween sells this
My new dentist was a former mortician apprentice.
He is different that he likes to bathe you before he does any dental work.
a horse standing on its tiptoes after seeing a giraffe
If you play a game with your wife where you pick one person you’d be allowed to sleep with choose a celebrity and not “Liz from Accounting.”
I never realised how much of a fidget that I was until I was watching a movie and my fitbit told me that I only had 10 more steps for the entire hour…when I was sitting down the whole time
i bet it really sucks to throw up if you’re a giraffe
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: Did Smurfette call them her bluebs?
WIFE: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
Dropped mother-in-law at airport.
Her flight isn’t until Tuesday, but with security and all, best to play it safe.
Imagine if every Sunday all your friends decided to only speak in a foreign language. That’s how I feel during football season.
I’m a multitasker, for example I can be a couch potato and a baked potato at the same time