HER: I’ll only agree to do nudity if it’s done tastefully
PRIEST: And I understand the groom has also written his own vows
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shaggy: hey scoob where’s my burger
scooby: ruh roh
shaggy: great danes only live 8 years you know
scooby: ruck roo
Sorry you asked a yes or no question and I talked for 12 days
Have kids so you can be done with your Christmas shopping & they can hand you their “updated” list which includes nothing you bought.
Having a dark sense of humor is great, until you make a joke in front the wrong crowd and get looked at like you just killed their cat.
If you get a text from me that ends in a stream of emojis, my mother has stolen my phone DO NOT ENGAGE
Me: there’s a swarm of beets outside
Her: you mean bees?
[loud thud on the window]
Me: get the gun
*Runs 6 miles*
*Adds Kenyan to resume*
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
i’ve got a bag of quarters and the afternoon off. 👀
Can Jesus turn off his walking on water power, or when he dives into a swimming pool would he just bounce across the surface like a skipping stone?
Today’s religious debate is brought to you by…
*uses the chicken dance as an emotional defense mechanism*
Tried to convince the kids helping me to make vegetable soup would be as fun as going to the playground. It did not work.
In the mood for a horror show so I’m gonna sit back and watch as my kids make a haunted gingerbread house with full blown colds and no Kleenex.
[while titanic is sinking]
me: [mouth full of shrimp at the buffet] I can’t believe no one is eating these lol
Waiter: Is Pepsi ok?
Pepsi: I’m fine.
For sale: Shrimpless rice. Never fried.
16: What flavour yogurt is pilot’s favourite?
I don’t know.
16: Plain.
You’re going to be such a great dad.
I want my remains to be scattered all over the beach when I die.
Also, I don’t want to be cremated.
If you bake, you’re a baker.
If you bake a baker, you’re a murderer.
My husband said the doctor told him I can suck out his kidney stone. After 3 days of trying, I think he lied to me.
“Why don’t we have sexy time anymore?”
“Because you call it sexy time.”
In case you’re wondering it takes a 6 year old approximately 20 min to pick out a bunch of bananas at the supermarket
hypnotist: next time you smoke, youll taste something disgusting
me: disgusting as in gross or as in morally wrong
hypnotist: idk whatever
[later]
me: *spitting out cigarette* insulin costs HOW much
I tell people my parents are divorced, but technically we lost my mom in a corn maze
[Snake Owners Club]
Thanks for coming. A reminder, stuffing an animal into a sock does NOT make it a snake.
[Me & like 3 other guys leave]
The door to door bible people just skipped my house! See, all it takes is trying to kiss the guy and he wont be back (until 3am)
itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself….
-history
relationship tips:
– communicate your feelings
– make her feel pretty
– be spontaneous
– oh god she wants you to kill her ex
– is she still in love with him?
– no she loves you she told you she loves you
– kill her ex
– what the hell she’s gone
– was sara even her real name?