Her: I’ll sleep with you when pigs fly
Me: points to police helicopter*
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I’ve invented a new cologne that is just one part bug spray and three parts campfire
You’re not USELESS…
I’m just saying that 300 years ago YOU would’ve been the one to test which mushrooms the village could & couldn’t eat
Potato chips bragging about having less fat – I don’t think you understand people who eat you.
Me:*delete pics*
IPhone: you sure?
M:Yes
IP: Ok I’ll just put them over here
Me:delete them
IP: Ok *whispers* keeping them on the cloud tho
Imagine if you had a sunflower seed as big as a laptop. That is everyday life for a hamster.
[town square in a thunderstorm]
Galileo: Thunderbolt and lightning very very frightening me.
His mom: Gallileo! Galileo!
Galileo Figaro!! *hands him an umbrellaGalileo: magnifico!! *gets big hug from mom*
Galileo: mama mia, mama mia let me go *looking around embarrassed*
My boss: Why are you hiding behind the potted fern?
Me:
My boss: don’t be silly. Come out so we can complete your appraisal.
Me *makes nervous fern noises*
The power steering went out in my car. Rather than fix it I’ve decided to get stronger.
Asked an old couple at work what is the secret to a long marriage
He said “Good reflexes”
She said “Poor aim”
me: i think we should make a baby
wife: do you know how expensive babies are?
me: wait, you can buy them??
me when my kids won’t try their food: you might like it
me when my kids want to try my food: you won’t like it
‘Hey look, hot dogs!’
Dogs: *blush* omg thanks
Before you die, get your affairs in order so they don’t find out about each other.
MY NECK, MY BACK, A STRANGER TOOK MY CAT
I think my neighbor is very sick. I have now seen him putting no less than six of his arms in his garbage over the past year.
My train of thought is actually just a drunken wedding conga line.
If you use the iPhone 6 upside down, boom, iPhone 9.
Every time my boyfriend and I break up, we get back together for half the length of our previous relationship. My friends say it’s unhealthy, but as a student of mathematics, I know it’s bound to end in a finite amount of time.
Therapist: OK, lie on the couch for me.
Woman: I’m a penguin.
Therapist: No, I meant lie down.
Who are we?
CLIENTS!What do we want?
WE DON’T KNOW!When do we want it?
RIGHT NOW!
When one door closes another one opens. … Or you could just re-open the closed door. Because that’s how doors work…!!
Dance like no one’s watching & cook like someone else is cleaning up that shit.
[french restaurant]
me: do you serve frogs?waiter: no they can’t reach the table
a firefly accidentally calling one of the stars in the night sky “mom” lol like how embarassing
Waiter: Is something wrong with your fish?
Me: I ordered it battered
Waiter: Terribly sorry *punches fish*
Me: Thanks
A baby came out of my stomach and I was all “weird, I don’t remember eating that…”
My superpower is choosing the one table in a restaurant next to the woman talking loudly enough that I know her entire family tree when I leave.
Me in my 20s: wakes up in the morning and hops out of bed
Me in my 40s: wakes up and sits on the edge of the bed for 43 minutes preparing my body to walk again.
I hate when I find a show on TV that I like and I start to get into it and then I realize that it’s my neighbor’s window and he looks angry.
Your Google Self-Driving car should be taken away if you don’t let your dog sit in the driver’s seat while you hold a map riding shotgun.