HER: I’m a member of my local Rotary Club.
ME: [trying to impress her] Yeah I hate touch tone phones.
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I hate when people call and say they’re 10 minutes away for a “drop-by surprise visit” and I have to set fire to my house.
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
I only sleep with people who make me laugh.
Luckily, I find myself hilarious.
3: mommy! Come look, I made a water fall
Me: oh dear god
My bank, who passed all 14 interest rate rises onto my home loan account, but only half of them onto my savings account, just sent me some tips on how to identify financial scammers
A priest, a minster, and a rabbit walk into a bar. The rabbit says, “I think I’m a typo.”
If asked at a job interview “what’s your biggest weakness”, test their tolerance for honesty by replying “mortality”
When I have a daughter I’m naming her Leroy. No guy will ever say “Yo bro I hooked up with Leroy last night” how would that sound?
*slams a five on the counter*
“Bartender! Give me another!”
*bartender pours me another bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch*
The me that wants to lose five pounds and the me that keeps eating cookies need to have a talk.
How do chocolate labs not die of themselves?
[filing for legal name change]
Judge: and what’s the reason for the request?
Me: I was owned pretty badly on line
Judge: *removes glasses and squints* oh my god are you the guy that thought bears were fat dogs
Some DUMBFUCK put chicken nuggets, on tinfoil, in microwave. Microwave on fire. Building evacuating.
*wipes prints off microwave handle*
“I loves hows you’ve done me spinach Doc!” Popeye tells his host.
Hannibal winks. “The secret is to add a bit of Olive Oil.”
I read my daughter a book about a Frogapotamus last night and dreamt of riding one. Tonight I’m reading her Hugh Jackman’s autobiography.
I love how fresh & clean my bathroom smells after I’ve killed a spider with a full bottle of windex
When life hands you lemons, help me throw them at the kids on my lawn.
thesaurus for sale, brand new, current, modern, original, unused, untapped, fresh, pristine, untouched, mint condition, spotless, untried…
Why are Americans so obsessed with the British royal family? It’s like constantly checking your ex’s Instagram 245 years after the breakup.
What are you gonna argue about with your family this Thanksgiving?
1. Minimum wage
2. Police reform
3. Why are there raisins in this, Louise
Mall Cop: The guy from Jersey Shore stole a spray tan kit. He’s running up the escalator.
[static]
MC: THE SITUATION IS ESCALATING RAPIDLY
You know you’re getting old when your friends start having kids on purpose.
My wife used to make meals that would make Martha Stewart jealous. Then she joined Twitter…
Now I’m lucky if she buys cereal.
Therapist: let’s try guided imagery to help you relax. I’ll play beach sounds, you close your eyes & picture what I’m describing
Me: ok
T: you see seagulls flying in the distance.
there are so many of them & they are getting closer
uh oh they’ve spotted your Doritos
Me: NO
Teacher: Why are you late?
Boy: My fish died.
Teacher: What fish?
Boy: You don’t know him he goes to different school.
you either dated people in middle school or you’re funny now
Don’t talk to me unless you are a ham sandwich.
Most kids have a stuffed animal or blankie. My niece has one of those plastic owls u put outside to scare away birds
what most people dont know is that you can use the trick or treat system to get large amounts of candy for free
If I could go back and do it all over again I’d be born into money