HER: I’m an animal activist.
ME: [trying to impress] My dog does 100 push-ups a day.
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I was trying to help my 4yo with his socks and he told me “I got it old man” so yea you can fit a whole lot of audacity into a 4yo.
Namaste
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
Parent Tip: don’t tell your child “I’m waiting, I can wait all day if I have to” unless you’ve actually cleared your schedule for the day.
Whoever asked how can 2022 be any worse than the last couple of years, you jinxed the world. And now I’m coming for you.
Romantically smoking a postcoital cigar from both ends with your lover like in Lady and The Tramp
Why can’t deer slowly cross the road, all cool and Pacino like
“I’m walking here!”
I dont know how to break this to my kids, but I think we should see other families.
Not many quicksand-related deaths since the 1970s.
Thank god the authorities got that nightmare under control.
Damn gurl, are you coronavirus? ‘Cause I wanna spend the next three months flattenin’ them currrrrves.
Things a raccoon and I have in common:
1) Dark circles around the eyes.
2) Likes eating junk.
3) We’re both cute but will kill you.
Gave my family the wrong address for our beach rental. Hoping to get a couple days in before they find me.
Today, I learned the correct way to abbreviate Assistant Manager in a reply-to-all;
And the way I did it.
We should be able to pick our zodiac sign, like choosing your piece in Monopoly: “Nope I’m not playing today unless I can be the crab or the lion”
quitting my job before Christmas and starting a new one on January 2 was a great decision because I have no emails to respond to
people act so amazed at shroedingers cat being alive and dead at the same time as if they’ve never met someone who works customer service
ME: excuse me did you say this was non-GMO
WAITER: yes that’s right
ME: [pointing to my alphabet soup] there’s like a dozen of them in there
*proposes to girlfriend*
*accidentally drops ring in the street*
“I’ll still marry you”
Sorry, I’m married to the streets now
i choose….tongue
That moment of panic when you realize you haven’t checked on your Farmville in like 6 years
piss me off and I’ll put you on my kid’s school fundraiser mailing lists
Has anyone told ice cream shops about big napkins?
Local fire department burns down all the houses as a preventative measure.
I love how science fiction movies skip right to the fiction part.
so i guess the opposite of dateline would be friendzonesquiggle.
If your kids are big enough to get on a ride without help, I will fight them for the last carousel horse.
My new sunglasses blend perfectly with the color of my hair so I won’t feel so stupid the next time I lose them on the top of my head.
Beware of fowl play.
For Mother’s Day, I told my teens, I’m going to reenact every detail of each of your births.