HER: Im breaking up with u
ME: Is it because I say “Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s” when things go wrong?
HER: Ya
ME:(under breath) Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s
You Might Also Like
8 digit bank passcode is protecting my 3 digit bank balance 😂
Bad joke of the day:
Did you hear about the population of Ireland?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
It’s Dublin.
Everyone’s AVI – Sorry. This is the absolute best I can look. I’m actually suspended upside down in this shot and I rented a wind machine.
Kid: There’s a monster living in my closet
Monster: do you have any idea how expensive a studio apartment is in this neighborhood
There is no “we” in chocolate.
Examine the shadows around my eyes. They speak of loss, of longing, of doom.
Also, I buy mascara at the dollar store.
Single Me- waxes routinely
Married Me- twirls my mustache aggressively when my husband makes me angry
blessings are like coconuts
sometimes you get bonked on the head outta no where, like “what to heck is this furry bonk ball?! I hate it!”
but eventually you learn you can put a tiny umbrella, some rum and a krazy straw in there. now furry bonk ball is friend
Took my 6 y/o daughter to a college football game and my dream of turning her into a fan quickly faded when she asked to go home in the first quarter because “we just watched this game on TV last week.”
How Stella Got Her Goat Back #ReplaceAMovieTitleWithGoat
So when a cop asks you why you have a handcuff key on your key ring, saying it was his wife’s idea will get you a free ride in his cop car
She says, the kids want to go to the circus.
I say, that I just saved us $400 by jumping out of the kid’s closet wearing a clown costume.
“So how was your day today at work?”
“You wouldn’t believe me if I told you.” 🤦♂️😳🤯😂
“I farms the taters…”
“…and I mashes the taters.”
I like how when we tell our kids that “this little piggy went to market” we pretend it was for apples and cheese.
Sometimes i spread newspaper out on the floor and then lay down on it and pretend i’m fish n’ chips
The first step to admitting you have a problem is having a problem.
Maced a hobo who started pulling cables out of my computer at work.
Turned out to be the hipster IT guy and now I’m in HR again.
[doing yard work] (evanescence guy voice) rake me up (evanescence girl voice) rake me up outside
[my wife looking at me through the blinds] oh god he’s singing again
Respond to every “How was your weekend?” today by staring off into the distance & whispering “So much blood…”
Autocorrect got me in trouble again when I invited the neighbors over for a friendly game of Go Fist.
All we do is support you, all you ever do is complain about us!
-if bras could talk
I may be short but I sure as heck can dunk. Donut coffee dunks are my speciality.
dracula: I vant to suck ur blood
me: oh no
dracula: I will drain u completely
me:
dracula: I will suck u dry
me:
dracula: why do u keep giggling
My life would be so much better if I could use a smokebomb to conceal my escape after being turned down by a girl.
My youngest called a family meeting. She wants to vote to get rid of her dog because she had to clean up a few messes it made. My sons voted to remove her. I’m starting to like this idea of family american idol
Alright so I have a pretty good joke for if Pirates Of The Carribean was nominated for several academy awards and lost all of them that the host could say and it’s this: “I’ve heard of not a dry eye in the house, but not an aye aye in the house?”
I FREAKING SWEAR!! IF I HAVE TO TELL YOU ONE MORE TIME WHAT AN EASY-GOING, PATIENT, AND CHILL PERSON I AM, I’M GONNA LOSE IT!!!!
Oh my. I haven’t laughed this hard in a while. Good ol’ Winnipeg. 🤣
If sex with 3 people is a threesome and sex with 2 people is a twosome, now I understand why they call you handsome.