her: i’m breaking up with u
me: we can work this out Linda
her: it’s Lydia
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Fitbit: Time for a walk
Me: *walks to snack machine
I don’t claim to understand the science behind it, but I can absolutely state with one hundred percent certainty that I am playing a key role in the ongoing survival of the human race by making sure that each and every morning, without fail, I put my left shoe on before my right.
I bet someone said “Do what makes you happy” to Hitler too.
*cutting the sleeves off a snuggie and calling it a thuggie*
Jesus: this is my body *breaks bread*
Jesus: this is my blood *pours wine*
Jesus: this your brain on drugs *throws a rabid weasel into the crowd*
Me: kill me now!
Murderer, from behind curtain: i was going to surprise you
Five parrots separated at British zoo after they wouldn’t stop swearing at guests
[reverse psychology résumé]
Education: Arcane
Experience: You can’t afford me
Special Skills: (redacted)
Friend: You look different…younger…really great
Me: I had a little something done
Friend: *whispers* Face lift?
Me: Colonoscopy
Fun fact: they used acronyms back in colonial times too but DOS meant Dead of Smallpox and LMFAO meant Lost My Farm and Outbuildings
*watching the discovery channel* this isn’t very disco
One time I screamed so hard about a professional athlete not playing through an injury I blew out my back and couldn’t work for a week.
I put the “pro” in inappropriate
<–Goes to gym 3 times a week… Cannot separate two shopping carts stuck together at grocery store.
I was craving BBQ for dinner but my wife ordered Chinese. She showed a wonton disregard for my feelings.
[screaming from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] Can you turn up the radio I love this song
I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word.
Gave money to a homeless man. A stranger lectured me on how he’s just going to spend it on drugs and alcohol..
Yeah, OK. Like I wasn’t.
I mostly keep friendships going because they have my good Tupperware
Marriage advice from my Dad: “Leaps of faith are part of every relationship. I go to sleep every night long before your Mom does, trusting that she will not steal my Peanut Chews.”
[last supper]
drunk jesus: *swinging baguette wildly* You want a piece of me!?
I’m curious about the first person who saw an egg drop out of a chicken & said, “I’m going to eat that.”
My husband and I now have an app that tells us if the garage door is open or closed and this effectively gets rid of 90% of conversation during car rides.
we went out to lunch with my father in law. jokingly he told 6 to order beer for a drink so when it was 6’s turn he yelled “BEER!” and the entire restaurant looked at us like we’re terrible people.
heard you like bad girls so I squeezed lemon juice on my fish even though the waiter grabbed me & was like “no, there’s already lemon on it”
Trying to find the $59 airfare advertised by Southwest is the adult version of Where’s Waldo.
unlike drugs, twitter addiction won’t cost you anything, except your social life
[laying on the office couch]
Therapist: “Tell me about your childhood.”
Me: “Ok, but when does the foot massage begin?”
When you hear those 4 awful words:
‘Break into small groups’