Her: I’m done with you and everybody who looks like you.
Me: What did Wilford Brimley ever do to you?
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The cardboard crowds are getting a little Rowdy at the game.
I went to the bathroom and forgot my phone. Had to read the little paper about Toxic Shock Syndrome from the tampon box again
TurboTax: Do you have any dependents?
Me: Just one.
TurboTax: Dependent’s last name?
Me: B-E-Z-O-S
Hitler ruined the Charlie Chaplin mustache for everyone.
[kangaroo court]
Lawyer: I’m afraid my client has jumped bail.
Judge: Who is surprised by this?
I wear my heart on my sleeve, my kidney on my pants, help I don’t think this surgeon is licensed
I’m Mexican and Filipino. No matter how you look at me, I’m good at cleaning.
[returns from Costco]
“Honey you didn’t get stuff we don’t need, did you?”
“Of course not babe”
*stands in front of 12-pack of garage doors*
Me: What kind of eggs do you want for breakfast? Scrambled? Fried?
4 Year Old: Chocolate
Me: You really are my child.
[inventing worcestershire sauce]
Lea: We’ll bottle pickled anchovy juice and name it unpronounceable.
Perrins: That might work.
both dogs refuse to go out to pee in the rain so i have to lift each one up and heave them out the back door like i’m a bouncer and they just got in a fight
*interrupts your heartfelt story*
Oh NOW I hear your New York accent!! Say “dying wish” again!Ok now say “coffee”!
[High School Reunion]
Me: Those were the days, right?
Mrs. Miller: You left out Thursday that time.
2-step verification should be at least somewhat dance related
*stops lecturing woman in white lab-coat and turns to camera*
“When my doctor first told me I was a ‘mansplainer’, I had a lot of answers.”
3 – DAD! HEY DAD!
Me: Don’t yell from the door son! Walk here and talk to me
3 – *walks over*
3 – I stepped in dog poop, what should I do?
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
Tonight playing poker with a buddy he said “Care to make this interesting?” And I said “Sure. For years I’ve been secretly in love with you”
My CW just barked.
Ok, it may have been a burp, but I’d like him a lot more if he were turning into a dog, so I think he barked.
So my doctor said my alcohol use was depleting magnesium from my body and I should change my lifestyle, so I bought a magnesium supplement.
But wait…
two guys fighting over oars are just having a row it took me 3 hours to write this crap send tweet
My husband wants to Facetime me while he’s in Germany. I’m like, it’s going to be a little awkward with my boyfriend in the background, but whatever.
i cannot say the word synonym without sounding drunk.
Is it wrong when your therapist invites other therapists to your session, wine is flowing, appetizers are served, and he says to you, begin?
Me: Forever young!
Persistent middle age chin hair: lol nope.
Muscle pulled when reaching for the tv remote: hahaha.
A lollipop is like a normal lipop but it laughs a lot.
Sorry.
Best way to ensure social distancing is to carry a clipboard everywhere. You’re welcome.
Just sayin’ cowboys are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between cows and boys.
[forgetting the name for leaf blowers] Do you have any wind bazookas?