Her: I’m done with you and everybody who looks like you.
Me: What did Wilford Brimley ever do to you?
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Are you dating a bunch of bees?
Just noticed there’s no comma in “Bed Bath & Beyond” and honestly, a bed bath would solve a lot of my problems.
Why do we call it losing weight instead of lightening up?
It was a sad day when I discovered my Universal Remote Control did not, in fact, control the Universe. Not even remotely.
I can’t see my boyfriend during this lockdown and I’m really unhappy about it!
My husband says he doesn’t care. Rude!
This oxygen mask is bullshit. I don’t look like oxygen at all.
My “get up and go” got up and left years ago.
Wine is like tapdancing, I can never tell if it’s good or bad
Gym membership: $1180 a year
Trainer: $45 a session
Workout clothes: $400
Nutritionist: $150 per consultation
Healthy food: $450 a monthFunhouse mirror that makes me look skinny: $29.99
You know Santa isn’t real because no man over 40 is out past 9PM.
PILLOW: Hey, your anniversary is today, go buy her some flowers
ME: Wow, thank God for memory foam
a car is a metal ravioli and you are the meat!
*licks ice cream cone
Cone: I have a boyfriend.
what’s a not gay way of asking your bro to pose shirtless for a pic that you’ll silkscreen on a body pillow?
I live 30 feet from my mother-in-law, Hell holds no surprises.
I cannot stop thinking about how the director of Con Air’s previous directing credit was 10 years earlier and it was the music video for Rick Astley’s Never Gonna Give You Up.
Turns out when you’re asked who your favourite child is you’re expected to pick from your own.
That split second of panic when you realize you said yes to your toddler but you were distracted and you don’t actually know what you said yes to
Need a math nerd to solve the following problem:
I make my son a peanut butter sandwich. Rectangle, no crust, let’s say 5” by 4”. I cut it diagonally into two TRIANGLES. However, he wants SQUARES. If he weighs 55 lbs, how much force is needed to launch him into the sun?
if there were more women in lord of the rings it wouldn’t have taken 3 movies to get to mount doom just saying.
“let’s put computers and keyboards in our cars. now let’s go catch all the people typing on tiny keyboards in their cars” – cops
It’s sickening that I’ve paid thousands for a college education, yet was never taught what to say when someone knocks on the bathroom stall
any doctors here? am I allowed to get a wax during my epidural? it’s genius and there’s a ton of time to kill anyhow
Group therapist: What’s your biggest fear?
Wolfman: Silver bullets
Frankenstein: Fire
Dracula: Lasagna, spaghetti…you know, most Italian dishes.
4 can finally say the letter l. However, he has over corrected and started randomly replacing letters with ls. It’s lucking conlusing.
Friend: I don’t have sex until the third date
Me: ok brag that you get to the third date
what most people dont know is that you can use the trick or treat system to get large amounts of candy for free
my goal weight is my current weight + 1.5lbs of steamed crab legs
Let’s do something we both know we’ll regret in the morning. Let’s order KFC for dinner.