HER: I’m ending this
ME: why?
HER: you’re way too literal
ME: I promise I can change
HER: prove it
ME: *puts on a different shirt*
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My spirit animal took one look at me and went back to the spirit world.
It was the worst of times, it was the worst of times.
-2020
When my nudes go to the cloud I always hope God is impressed.
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
Oh, your kid is in all honors courses. That’s cool. Well, my kids are learning from real life experiences like why we don’t put forks in the microwave.
Cop: Sir…
I know, I know. Why is my dog dri-
Cop: WHY IS YOUR DOG DRIVING
I threw the ball too far during fetch
Cop: Fair enough
Posh sugar daddies are called fructose fathers
If Stephen King wrote Mean Girls: yeah so first we need more pig’s blood in this scene.
Probably the sport I’m best at is screaming.
her: wanna come over
me: can’t i’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
20’s: I can’t remember where I left my keys
30’s: I can’t remember where I left my car
40’s: I can’t remember where I left my kids
Doctor: I have some bad news
Me: Why can’t my grandma tell me?
Doctor: I’m afraid she passed
Me: oh no
Grandma: Yeah screw that, I’m not doing it
I don’t need a sugar daddy. I need a chicken wing daddy.
“Oh hello, I didn’t see you there!” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you
Someone tried to persuade me to go to a party by saying, “Are you sure? There’s gonna be a lot of people there.” Oh then definitely no
Years ago I went to a job placement agency.
I left disappointed.
Apparently nobody offers temp work as an astronaut.
I say “correct me if I wrong” just to make people listen to me.
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
Launched an important petition today. This is a cause that’s very dear to my heart
Just saw my 4yo eat a banana like a corn on the cob… so yes the quarantine has changed us.
Detective Baby: We got you dead to rights, dirtbag.
*suspect puts face in hands*
Detective Baby: HE’S ESCAPED
*brakes hard*
*throws arm across passenger seat to protect pizza*
[walks date home]
HER: Wanna come up for a nightcap?
ME: I gotta work early
HER: I have 2 dogs
ME:[already running up stairs like Rocky]
I wonder how many other Sandy’s have come into men’s lives and taken their cars and houses, too.
Your head is basically just the smartest part of your body wrapped in the spookiest part of your body.
[encountering even the mildest of inconveniences] and you would let this happen to me in this, the year of the King’s coronation?
One of the moms at school pickup always yells “hi, chicken nugget” to her kid, and that’s a level of parental embarrassment I can only aspire to
Newlywed: We can overcome anything, cause we’re in love!
10 yrs later: If he leaves time on the microwave again I’m gonna set him on fire.
If I had to choose one word that encapsulates me, I’d say skin.
She just assumed the chocolates I brought to the date were hers and not my pre dinner snack.