HER: I’m ending this
ME: why?
HER: you’re way too literal
ME: I promise I can change
HER: prove it
ME: *puts on a different shirt*
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Dreamed I won the lottery last night – $35 on a scratch ticket. Clearly I have a rich fantasy life lately.
The most stressful part of my day is when my 5 year old shows me what he made in Arts & Crafts and I have to guess what it is.
“no animal except humans drinks the milk of another animal” cool, no animal except humans has netflix either, what’s your point
[friend is showing me around his city]
HIM: and that right there is the children’s hospital
ME: *struggles with this for a minute* how the hell are children running a hospital
No matter how much I shake my phone, you still won’t come out. Are you stuck? I think you’re stuck.
You say “my ex is stuck under the back end of your vehicle” like its a bad thing.
You can’t give me a mini fan at work and expect me not to spend the whole morning pretending I’m a model doing a photo shoot. It’s science.
Here’s a tip how about designing a Band-Aid that you can open before you bleed out WHAT AN IDEA
Occupational therapist: What is your favorite part of the newspaper?
Son: The end.
You are NOT too much. You are ENTITLED to take up space. If the Suez Canal doesn’t have room for you that is the Suez Canal’s problem.
if you’re reading my tweets and judging me by my typos I just want you to know, yes, english is my first language
*repeatedly tries to explain Sisyphus to classmates who have apparently never heard of him*
I wish you guys could get how ironic this is.
the votes are coming from… inside the country!!!
account balance: $1400
me at wendy’s: show me the square cows
I’m so hungry I could eat an apple
11: Daddy, how long have we been friends for?
Me: That depends. How old are you?
11: I’m eleven.
Me: Then probably 4 or 5 years hahaha
11: See, jokes like that is why we’re no longer friends.
Home Alone would’ve been over in like 20 minutes if they were able to text.
Chasing a chicken around the yard for 20 minutes is my Thursday morning or as my dog refers to it,”The greatest morning in the history of the earth.”
[me narrating a documentary about grasshoppers]
And here we see these little liars hopping on sand.
[ Medical Website to retrieve your STD test results ]
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waking up with a headache was not the pounding I was hoping for
me: can I get uhhhh… what’s in a combo number 5?
Lou Bega: *deep breath*
since my comics are “too girly” i made one for boys
Who else read this as a threatening Yoda?
[watching Canadian Geese slowly walk across the street]
Me: ya know you can fly !
My husband spent an hour at Home Depot yesterday and I spent an hour trying to find my husband in Home Depot yesterday.
“I smell like candy,” I mouthed to the hot guy in traffic that caught me smelling my shirt.
Freddie Mercury: “Hey Brian, what rhymes with scaramouche?”
Brian May: um… Fandango?
Freddie: “Perfect!” *snorts another line of coke*
Me: Are you in a bad mood?
Wife: What? No.
Me: You sure?
Wife: I’m sure.
Me: You’re cranky.
Wife: I’m not cranky.
Me: Everything okay?
Wife: OMG. Yes.
Me: Because you seem like you’re in a bad mood.
Wife: OMFG NOW I AM IN A BAD MOOD.
Me:
Wife:
Me: I knew it.
Every tech nerd or security guy on night shift at a computer in 90s movies is eating pizza & wiping sauce from their mouth with their hand.