Her: I’m going to start cooking without butter.
Me: This isn’t going to work out.
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There are two rules in life:
1) Never give out all the information.
My anxiety is so bad I keep thinking that I forgot to shut the garage door and I don’t even have a garage.
Everybody’s partner buys a new vacuum cleaner when the filter gets dirty, right? Just mine?
ME: [in front of mirror] Bloody Mary Bloody Mary Bloody Mary
*Bloody Mary appears*
ME: I’m moving today and need your help
BLOODY MARY: Shit
I have a disorder where every time I leave my house I spend $100
Her: Is breakfast almost ready?
Me: Yeah, I just have to drain the sausage.
Her: Can’t we please wait till after breakfast for that?
I used to think my chiropractor couldn’t fix my back problem but now I stand corrected
i know walt disney is sweating in his grave watching a yellow sponge slowly replace mickey mouse as the most iconic cartoon figure
I’m going start wearing a cape instead of headphones to deter people from talking to me.
Relationships are like houseplants, if they’re mine they die
My college roommate made a student film about a guy’s life falling apart from drugs. A neighbor saw the baking soda lines on the Frankenstein poster in my room. She whispered, “Is Jake ok? Now I know why he looks so strung out.” “It’s fine, he’s just an engineering student.”
Me: Mum was I adopted?
Mum: Yes, but they gave you back
Me: If there was a fire and you could only save me or the cat, who would you save?
Her:
Me:
Her: I feel like you’ve had a good run.
[ asteroid approaching earth ]
me: *slapping baseball mitt*
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m 4 people.
I’m pretty much a SAHM now and someone asked me the other day, “so what do you do with all your free time now?” Ummm, I guess I just nap. And after a long nap, I like to squeeze in a short nap. Then the butler arrives & makes dinner while I ride my unicorn around fairyland.
My 5yo just told me that she likes my singing best when she can’t hear it.
A mongoose is just a goose who listens to reggae
Priest: Don’t chew gum in church.
Me: If I don’t, I’ll have bad breath when I talk to God.
Priest:
Me: It’s your fault if I go to hell.
It’s adorable how I write “beer” on my shopping list like I’d somehow forget.
Everyone should release their taxes because I cannot read them understand them anyhow
There is no “I” in TEAM. But there is MEAT.
Delicious meat.
People are impressed by the guy who arrives in a Ferrari.
But they remember the guy who shows up on a pogo stick.
I feel for my kids because for the rest of their lives, when they complain about anything, I’m gonna respond with: you think that’s bad, you should try raising children during a pandemic
Every time I buy something now
✉️: thank u for buying the thing
✉️: we have several more like it!
✉️: remember when u bought thing
✉️: ✨❤️4️⃣Day-Anniversary✨
✉️: wow that day u bought the thing
✉️: please do not forget that day
I just wrote a $1500 check for a cow, like some kind of 1930s housewife.
Wife: Do the dishes
Me: Can’t. Holding the baby
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Can’t. Baby
Wife: Change the baby
Me: Can’t. Doing dishes.
everyone (crying, begging): please…you cannot be both hot and nice. just pick one
me: no
[Million dollar idea] : Spaghetti Sauce colored Tupperware.
are there any atheist mantises?