my retirement plan is braless
You Might Also Like
[Mom’s house]
Mom: I don’t know where that lovely framed photo of you went, dear, you know that one with the bouffant perm, oversized glasses, and braces
Me: *stuffing a frame-shaped object in the garbage* gosh, Mom, it’s a mystery
My mom always said carry a jar of pickles in the store when pregnant and throw it on the ground as a decoy if your water should break, but now that I’m old I carry one in case I pee my pants.
I always ask for a receipt so I can keep them in my purse for 86 years.
is this how new cars are made??
I am a mother, of course I talk to myself. I am the only one in this house that listens.
If you ghost me, I assume one of two things happened
1: you fell in love with me really quickly and overwhelmingly and you couldn’t handle it and knew I would ruin your life forever because of how amazing I am
2: you died
My daughter was giving me major attitude so I asked her if she’s seen Rapunzel and she said yes and I said keep it up and you’ll be locked in your room like that tower until your hair grows that long.
This message stamped on the squeaker inside the stuffed animal my dog just destroyed
[1st day as criminal sketch artist]
Victim: He was blonde had blue eyes, he was about 6ft t….
Me: I’m gonna need a longer sheet of paper
A rob Lowe implies the existence of rob homedepot
“Don’t boil lobsters, because they can feel pain” say scientists from National Institute For Boiling Every Animal Alive To Work Out If They Like It Or Not
Thanksgiving implies that we spend 99.7% of the year ungrateful…
…speaking for my kids, this checks out.
My wife is great at multitasking. She can be mad at me for five different things at the same time.
*tornado warning*
*sirens blaring outside*
*every phone in the house beeping emergency alerts*Me, frantic: EVERYONE GET INTO THE BATHTUB!
Son: I’m one of 3 left in this Fortnite game, hang on.
Found a USB that can be plugged both ways. Now I miss going wrong.
Moved my clocks forward and they fell off the shelves
Never play musical chairs against a person in a wheelchair. They will always beat you.
ME: Can I have the job please
INTERVIEWER: I meant, like, questions ABOUT the job
ME: Ah, yes. About the job: Can I have it
My dad is watching American Pie and the sex scenes are somehow more uncomfortable at 36 than they were as a teen
me: wow you sure are playing hard to get
after-school appointment at my kid’s dentist: *blushes* oh you
When one door opens, another one opens, and then another, and another. Because kids.
Every time someone makes a typo, I look at the location of the letters on the keyboard to consider whether it’s justified.
If you visit Montreal, you gotta check out residential homes. That’s where all the locals go
Psychologist: I found that through a system of simple rewards I can train an animal to repeat a specific behavior.
Boss: Nice. Keep it up, Skinner, and you’ll get tenure.
I’m having an out of money experience.
Satan: *to a huge audience* Welcome to the end of days
One guy who hates calendars: Finally
Much to my 12yo son’s horror, I just sang along to Ace of Base’s “The Sign” at full volume in a van full of his friends. Being a dad is fun!
Why is it always cooking on Saturday Kitchen? Why don’t they mop the floor or stick a wash on, or something?
12yo: imagine if cargo shorts existed as pants…
Me: they do, they’re called cargo pants
12yo: WHAT
just got back from time traveling to get hitler kicked out of art school because i hated his paintings. you guys probably don’t even know who I’m talking about huh