The best thing about owning a Smart Car is if you get too drunk at the bar you can just carry it home.
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We named our beautiful daughter after my mother.
Passive Aggressive Psycho turns 22 this year!
[visits psychic]
*knocks on door*
Psychic: “who is it?”
Me: “well this is a bad start”
Don’t tell me who to follow Twitter, I have many years of experience finding and building relationships with dangerous maniacs and I don’t need your amateur assistance.
See..?
.
Verbally offered £24k for a new admin job. Someone in HR transposed the digits so all my employment paperwork and contract state I’m paid £42k. It’s been 9 months receiving this higher amount per month and I’m not saying a WORD
The Pillsbury Doughboy is a goddam monster who sacrifices his own people so that he can get a finger poke.
Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across America join together to raise the country’s obesity statistics.
Why is it when you tell someone you had a dream about them they assume sex? Like no dude, I killed you
The weather is so hot that it gave me the wrong phone number.
Sorry, can’t talk right now. Too busy thinking about how the only part of my reflection I can lick is my tongue.
Starting a conga line is a great conversation ender.
when i was younger i was interested in rapping, but then one day a buddy of mine and i were rhyming in my living room and my mom walked by and said “i gotta run, have fun with your little poems!” and that was the end of it
*reading* 160 calories *thinking* Let me break it down to see how much I should eat. *reading and thinking* The can is 14.2 ounces, the serving size is 245 grams and the servings per container are about 3.
And we wonder why America is getting fat.
MATH
Van Gogh: take my ear as a symbol of love
Girl: ew I don’t want this
Van Gogh: I’m glad you like it
Girl: can you even hear me? This is gross
Van Gogh: I love you too
Before YouTube, people had to travel to music video shoots to argue about Hitler
*ghost hunter looking for ghosts in our bedroom turns on a blacklight*
Me: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Ghost Hunter: *eyes widen* Look at all the ectoplasm. It’s everywhere!
Me: That’s exactly what that is.
Kids these days will never know the exhilarating danger of going 60mph down a burning hot metal slide.
this is me not knowing my powerpoint presentation was not showing up on the screen but my wallpaper instead
My car, spinning uncontrollably thru a crowd of ppl, & my Korean friend screams”HIT THE BLAKES” & I’m like”I CANT BE THAT SELECTIVE”
Bought a dozen stamps today so my kids can expect 11 stamps as part of their inheritance
Me: Come to my party. I’m making my “secret special punch.”
Her: You mean vodka & food coloring?
Me: Who told you my secret?!?
I can remember a time when we didn’t allow crazy people to be in charge of running things.
No thanks Cupid. If I wanted butterflies and my heart skipping beats, I would do something less ridiculous like lose my phone.
According to my scales, there could be four wolves inside of me.
*in hell*
Devil: so what are you here for
Them: I invented ice breaker activities
[me holding a door]
PRETTY GIRL: [over her shoulder] thanks.
ME: sorry, i’m married, but in time you’ll get over me.
found a guy hanging out in an alley in palm springs
My friend’s band is called Duvet.
It’s a cover band.
My ex recently asked me if I wanted to be “Friends with Benefits” which is so psycho like dude I am a woman in her 30s, you can’t ask me something like that….I absolutely do not want new friends.
You haven’t texted me since you went to bed. Are we ok??