Her: I’m having a dry party.
Me: Sorry, I’m busy.
Her: You don’t even know when.
Me: You don’t even know me.
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I heard somebody refer to “The Shape of Water” as “Grinding Nemo” and I’m never going to get over it.
I bought a Christmas tree today and the salesman asked if I was going to put it up myself. I said no, I’m going to put it in the living room.
Why do they ask your job on gameshows? It’s the least interesting thing about you. Ask people their favourite dinosaur.
ME: check out this cordless trimmer
BARBER: stop calling me that.
Child: Mom! You can’t go that way, it’s a one way street!
Me: Oh sweetie, that’s just a suggestion.
*hires a group of teenage girls to giggle every time you walk by*
If I ran a swamp tour in Florida there’d be a lot of people that wouldn’t make it back to the boat launch.
Automated text response: Please allow 7-10 business days for a response, longer if I don’t like you.
Too bad the Kardashian show couldn’t be like “The Ring” and kill anyone who watches it.
Kill someone with an icecream cone and eat it afterward. They can’t convict with no murder weapon. It’s the perfect crime. Plus, ice cream.
The cops said 911 was for emegencies only and not for me to report suspicious looking clouds.
Anyone know any Sausage Biscuits looking for a job?
Neil Diamond: 🎶HANDS…
TOUCHIN’ HANDS🎶
CDC: NO
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now
Me *shuffles further behind cabinet* better?
Receptionist: Yes but shh he’s coming
[hosting a party]
Me: *gesturing* Please place your styrofoam dishes here for recycling when you’re finished.
Guest: But that’s the sink. Are you gonna wash them? *laughs*
Me: Do I come to your house and tell you how to recycle, Jan?
Someone: you’re the coolest person I know!
Me: Omg wowww!!!!
My mind: (they need to meet more people)
Tech Twitter in a nutshell 😂😂😂
Dr: how’s your diet?
Me: I’ve been eating a lot of good fats like you said
Dr: ice cream isn’t good fats
Me: are you kidding me ice cream is amazing
pulling petals off a forget-me-not but it’s just me trying to figure out if the weather this weekend is snow or thunderstorms
“if I am joking you would be laughing, do you look like you are laughing? “
*pulls motorist over*
COP: Are you high?
MAN: If I were high would you look like a breathing tree?
*one leaf silently falls from cop*
I’ll go to extreme lengths to get the last bit of toothpaste from the tube but I’ll also watch 2 hrs of Nick Jr if I can’t reach the remote.
My Dr. told me about a new med he wanted me to try and offered that there are some sexual side effects to which I replied “yeah I don’t do that!” instead of nodding quietly like a normal human.
I made HUGE surprise plans for my wife’s birthday tonight–dinner, dancing, champagne, the works–but the babysitter just cancelled & now we can’t do anything!
Did that sound believable to you guys? If you were my wife would you suspect, hypothetically, that I didn’t make plans?
Showerhead Self-Conscious About Single Jet That Sprays Sideways #OurAnnualYear2019
Look lady, you’ve already taken my money so put that Oompa Loompa costume on and let’s do this.
Loan officer: What’s your social?
Me: Mostly Twitter, sometimes Facebook when I want to see what my friends and family are fighting about.
I thought this house was haunted by a ghost but it turned out it was Bruce Willis the whole time. Also, I broke into Bruce Willis’ house.