Her: I’m hungry. If you loved me you’d give me breakfast in bed 😉
Me: *hands her my emergency poptart from my pillowcase* only because ily
You Might Also Like
MOM: [walks into daughter’s room, sees protest signs, history books, list of senators’ phone numbers on bed] Are you… politically active?
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
“Hello this is your captain speaking. I have fallen out of the plane yikes lol. Very impressed with the range on this Bluetooth headset tho”
“What did you make milk out of today?” [Overheard in the library]
HR: Alright people, let’s be a little more sensitive to Linda because she’s pregnant with child
Sally [who is pregnant with a hedgehog]: *sigh*
Cauliflower: *ring ring*
Textiflower: *ping*
asked my bf how work was today
He was a real gentlemen and always opened the fridge door for me
Quick! I’m doing my taxes. Is it normal to get $76,000 back when you make $60,000?
If I had gone to Rydell High, I would have walked right up to Rizzo and asked, “Rizzo? Is that short for Chorizzo?”
[at punchbowl]
Me: You go ahead.
Lady: No, I insist.
Me: Together, then?
*we both pour vodka from our purses in*
Me: I know every word of the Golden Girls theme song!
Job interviewer:…and a weakness?
My wife just apologised to me for the first time in years!!!
Her: I’m sorry but you’re wrong.
I didn’t realize 80% of song lyrics were inappropriate until I had to listen to them in the car with my kids.
#SomethingYouDontWantToHear
Oops. The surgery went well but…..
At 36, I still have no idea what to do with my hands when I’m in front of a group of people.
*hands on hips*
*hands in air*
*does macarena*
This is the dumbest apocalypse ever
One of my kids hates the smell of melted cheese, so naturally my other kid is going through a nachos only phase.
Maybe I’m the good kind of fat like an avocado.
If I die before I wake, I pray the lord has ice cream cake.
SORRY MISTER, BUT MOM SAYS I CAN’T GET IN YOUR VAN UNLESS THE CANDY’S SUGAR-FREE.
The opposite of formaldehyde is casualdejekyll.
Vader: “I am your father.”
Luke: “I am your father.”
Vader: “Stop copying me.”
Luke: “Stop copying me.”
Vader: “Shut up.”
Luke: “Shut up.”
Stuck in traffic? We have the solution for you… Call customer service so all your vulgarities aren’t wasted.
Science fact: If you took a human intestinal tract and stretched it from the Earth to the Moon, you would definitely get fired from NASA.
OFFICER DOWN I REPEAT WE HAVE AN OFFICER DOWN. I’m fine just down for whatever. Dancing or something fun.
I love having dinner at my fancy mansion when my mysterious guest casually asks me a piercing question that indicates they know all about my clandestine, illicit activities
No. I wasn’t being sarcastic.
I was being a giraffe.
<during sex>
Me: Can we pretend I didn’t just call you Uncle Joe?
Her: Not sure, it’s pretty disturbing.
Uncle Joe: It didn’t bother me.
3: *looking up at the lights* what’s that mummy?
me: they’re lights
3: no I mean the spirits in front of them
me:
me:
me:
3: what’s for dinner