Her: I’m into gymnastics.
Me: Me too.
Her: What kind?
Me: Parallel bars.
Her: Wow!
Me: Yup. I drink at this bar & the one across the street.
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My mom always used to give me a card on Valentine’s Day when I was a kid. She stopped doing it when we broke up.
Darth Vader: I killed three whole planets.
Thanos: I killed half the universe.
Voldemort: I uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times.
Everyone:
Voldemort: *shakes head sadly* stupid mother’s love.
My son has been awake for 15 minutes which means he’s been telling me all about his favorite video game for 15 minutes.
Ironically when you cut your own hair the bar for success is not looking like you cut your own hair.
It’s not really family vacation until everyone is crying because of sun poisoning, you’ve lost at least 3 bikini tops in the ocean, and your spouse is just staring off into nowhere regretting all decisions that led up to this point in life
Diet hack: Spend your money filling up your gas tank so you won’t have money for groceries.
INVENTOR: it’s a machine that washes dishes
BOSS: what should we call it
GUY WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE: i have an idea
“Do you love the shape of hamburgers but hate that delicious taste?” -Veggie Burgers
Stop trying to undress my panda bear onesie with your eyes.
There’s no time capsule quite like the pocket of a coat that’s been in the closet for a year.
Your Twitter Dom probably sits at the kids’ table during Thanksgiving
If I could be any super hero I’d be The Flash, but instead of wearing his costume I’d wear a trench coat. Same name, different purpose.
[Catwoman’s Lair]
Robin: I hear someone.
Batman: Lets’s hide in this sandpit.
{5 min later}
R: This is a litter box isn’t it?
B: I think so.
GUY VISITING FROM THE SUN: This weather isn’t hot
That Gollum game was never going to be great but damn if this isn’t the funniest “alpha footage vs final release” since maybe the first Watch Dogs
Female Coworker: I just got this implant in my arm. It’s for birth control.
Me: I didn’t even know an arm could get pregnant.
The last 23,000 tweets were sent by my dog and bad decisions.
I could have been the favourite Mistress of the Sun King at Versailles but nooooooooo I had to be born into late stage capitalism
[talking to my guide dog]
this better be the hospital this time and not wimbledon again
[from a nearby speaker]
“FIFTEEN-LOVE”
If a girl has magnetic personality and still She can’t attract the desired boy.
Then that means the boy has iron deficiency.
Oh what so only roosters are allowed to start the day with screaming
“Romeo and Juliet” serves as a potent reminder to make sure you’re on the same page with your partner re: fake death plan
I hate when I show up to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume.
Be your mom’s favorite by not having to make her count to three.
[to the person sitting next to me at the movie theatre] you here for the movie?
While the Americans are in a food coma, we should switch Twitter and Facebook displays around. Give their hearts a jumpstart.
nothing kills high school nostalgia faster than a scroll down your facebook feed
Dog: I’m a man’s best friend, he even named one of his teeth after me.
Pussycat: Yeah, you’re not gonna win this one.
Screw this, I’m going in search of buried treasure. I’m outta here. *stubs toe on coffee table*
I wish someone would leave a horse’s head in my bed so that when my kids sneak up on me in the morning, I can be like, BAM, horse’s head.