Her: I’m just a vintage soul
Me: and a vintage face..That’s how the fight started
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every house is a dream house when you can’t afford one
Going to find a way to reprogram my Alexa so everytime my kids ask it a question it responds with “I don’t know go ask your mother”
My friends have canceled our lunch plans 3 days in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like lunch.
Interviewer: So tell me a little about yourself. Me: I’d rather not, I really need this job.
Me: [arguing with Tom Cruise] OMG JUST PICK A POSSIBLE MISSION
My mom says she hates boxed wine because she can’t tell how much she’s drank. I’m glad I got her eyes instead of her sensibility.
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!!!”
(Seductively takes baby dragon out of Gucci purse & lights cigarette.)
One time in jail and I asked someone what her favorite cheese was and she said shredded.
if you count cows instead of sheep to try and fall asleep it’s probably pasture bedtime (i’m so sorry)
12: This apple tastes funny.
Me: That’s because it’s a peach.
Also me: Starts spending 12’s college fund.
I held a flashlight between my teeth while I shuffled through some papers and now I’m an FBI agent
[at heaven’s gate]
God: Tell me why I should let u in
Me: I’ve never made anyone look at my baby’s ultrasound pic
God: You can have my bed
Teacher: Bob, how do you make a nail plural?
Dumb Bob: You add S.
T: *amazed* Yes! Come up to the board and show us.
DB: [writes] SNAIL
Asking my dentist a question but sticking my fingers in his mouth before he replies
Southerners don’t use contractions like “y’all” and “young’n” out of laziness. Most of us are just too poor to afford entire words.
I’ve never met a pizza I didn’t want to get personal with.
A seven nation army could definitely hold me back.
Can’t wait for Game of Thrones to come back because I miss civilized political discourse.
After I beat my dad in Go Fish, I like to shit in my underwear to celebrate.
-My son, apparently
Please respect my privacy at this difficult time. I’m in morning.
“…anyway, long story short” bro, you’ve been talking for 53 minutes
“I’m not racist but…” – Britain
This was my dad’s browser history.
DR DOG: The test results came back.
PATIENT: Oh God
DR DOG: The tumor is–
*sees a squirrel out the window and takes off*
Empty out and clean a mace container.
Fill with water
Stare into the eyes of your enemies as you spray your own eyes and never blink
[day 1]
hello, world
[day 2]
bit less wobbly today
[day 7]
making other deer friends. getting funny looks tho
[day 26]
turns out i’m a hippo
Her: Are you even capable of love?
Me: I’m pretty sure I love pancakes.
99% of my Dad’s excellent driving record is due to the defensive driving skills of other motorists.
Ugh what’s with all the free range organic baby food crap? My parents fed me Wonder bread and jelly and guess what, I miraculously grew into an adult. I mean, not a functioning one. But still.