Her: I’m just a vintage soul
Me: and a vintage face..That’s how the fight started
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Celery was created by big dentist just to sell more dental floss.
It’s not illegal to convince your child that she is the only person who can see the sun and must never talk about it.
It is not a middle finger
It is my unicorn fist
Oh panic attacks,I thought you said pancake attacks because I have those all the time.
The dietitian told me peanut butter is healthy if I eat it with something low-calorie, so I chose a spoon.
I just apologized profusely to a spider as I was killing it. The spider is also Canadian so it said “oh yeah no for sure, it’s ok.”
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: i didn’t need it, there was a toilet
me: i would like a *prepares to wow vietnamese waiter with my attention to pronunciation* “pho”
korean waiter: we do not serve this dish
No member of any family has the same interpretation of the sentence “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
I got 99 socks but a pair ain’t one
If you want to know what you really look like hand your phone to a 5-year-old to take a picture.
How to wake up a Beagle
Women have a good 6th sense. I smiled at a girl in the mall once. When I got home I opened the door and my wife met me with a drop kick.
[right before the quest for the holy grail]
king arthur: alright, WHO BROKE MY FAVORITE CUP?
My kitchen overserved me.
I saved time doing yard work by renaming the weeds “plants”
Today, the problem with young people is they’ll never have the joy of running into their seventh-grade math teacher behind an orange plastic curtain rummaging through the adult section at the video store.
Apparently those velvet ropes next to bouncers are not an invitation to limbo.
I’m freakin’ tired of wrapping these sheep around my neck
– The inventor of the scarf
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and saw the hundreds of pictures you’ve taken of them sleeping..
I sold the armchair I had in my room and now I have nowhere to put my clean laundry and stare at it for 8 days??
Thought I was saying, “Bye bye” at the end of a phone call, and it came out, “Bye bay,” and then I’m in a panic, thinking she may have heard it as, “Bye, babe,” and she’s not someone I can “babe,” and then the rest of the evening I have a new episode of Seinfeld in my head
If by “anything” you mean “anything I can do from my couch,” then yes, I will do anything for you.
Please. My avocado. It is so sad.
Me: *needs to renew my vehicle registration*
DMV: Yes, we will need your license, registration, proof of insurance, passport, paper straw wrapper, VHS copy of The Sixth Sense, Princess Dianna Beanie Baby and for you to hit the high note in “I Will Always Love You.”
This woodpecker needs to switch to decaf.
shaggy: help my gf caught me cheating
rikrok: *screams absolute gibberish*
shaggy: this is serious she has me on video
rikrok: say it wasn’t u?
shaggy: ok i’m gonna go
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
Victor Frankenstein being only 23 years old when he made the monster is crazy to me, he should have been at the club.
[last meal on death row]
“Pepper?”
*nods*
“Say when”
*winks to camera*