Dad passed away several years ago but every Thanksgiving with the family all together I can’t help but think, you lucky bastard.
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Professor i’d like an extension on my paper. why? well my ex just got married & i have to comment “lame” on all her wedding pics on facebook
[at the playground]
“Welcome to Swingers Club. Sorry if you thought this was about spouse-swapping. Now who wants to give me a push?”
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
airlines should have an option where you can book distances rather than just destinations. here’s 100 bucks, take me as far as that’ll get me. just drop me in the Atlantic ocean, I’ll figure it out.
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks.
We belong together like chocolate and strawberries, like burgers and fries, like laundry and exercise equipment.
sry
“You know I love that thick bottom” – me, telling my coworker about the new frying pan I got over the weekend
Me: Damn, there is no better feeling than skin on skin
store employee: Sir, you…you know you know you have to buy that pack of chicken now right?
I don’t friend zone people I relationship zone them. You want to be my friend? Too bad, we’re dating.
My kids love when I tell them the story of how I became the hide and seek champion. The year was 1995, and I was playing hide and seek with my dad. I went outside and got on the roof. He couldn’t find me. After an hour of looking for me, he called the cops. Yeah… I got spanked.
For a brief moment I confusedly ask myself, “Am I Hannah?”
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
“Owen, you must hide this baby, at all costs, from Anakin Skywalker.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“Seems fine.”
Before you make fun of older folks, just remember we know where ALL the bathrooms are
The fact that dudes go on a diet but they call it “biohacking” is so funny to me.
Like if men started knitting they would call it “hyper threading” or “powertangling” or some shit
I’m so glad my great aunt handed down the beautiful, vintage art deco water glasses that I love because my husband has discovered they are perfect for catching spiders.
How single am I? I just took a jar of spaghetti sauce to 7-11 to see if the cashier could open it for me.
Got home at 2:30AM after traveling from Miami to Los Angeles yesterday. I slept 5 hours, unpacked everything, cleaned our entire house, including washing clothes, towels, and sheets + went grocery shopping.
I will never be this productive again, so I had to tell everyone. 😂
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote “I ain’t afraid of no ghosts”
ME: *sweating profusely* Yeah why, do any ghosts work here?
Have fun, but be careful. Your sister was vacuumed up last week, and yesterday your cousin was killed with a shoe.
– spider moms, probably
A cat burglar, but it’s just me putting stray cats in people’s houses when they leave
My fingers are still red from the one Hot Cheeto I ate 17 years ago.
COP: drop the gun
CRIMINAL: no
COP: [flipping through police handbook, whispers to partner] it doesnt say what to do if he says no
I prefer to dance when someone is watching, you know, in case I need medical attention.
[travels back in time to warn 12 year old me about playing video games too much] you become fat and lazy and-whoa Mortal Kombat 2 scoot over
sure sex is great but have you ever waved goodbye to houseguests
Just got kicked out of Chipotle for knowing what I wanted when I got to the front of the line.
My rabbits are hot and they aren’t happy about it. I’ve got hot cross buns.
I’ll see myself out.
[my 1st day at press conference sign language translator job I lied on my résumé to get]
ME: *does Madonna’s Vogue choreography for 45 min*