HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i don’t take u seriously
HER: yes
ME: yeah right
You Might Also Like
Mom: Take out the trash
*I take the trash on a lovely date*
Mom: Not what I meant
*I assassinate the trash in an ally*
Mom: Still wrong
[Wrench factory]
BOSS: I’m proud to say it’s been 250 days without an injury!
WORKERS: *celebrate by tossing all the wrenches into the air *
Doctor: How long ago did you injure your shoulder?
Women: 9:45am on Monday at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 2002
I’m tired of being told to remove my card rapidly. Starting a new ATM for people who wanna remove their card at a more chill pace
Kid: Mom, the light’s on in my closet.
Me: That’s weird. The monster must be looking for something.
DARTH VADER: the plans for the jeff star are complete my lord
DARTH SIDIOUS: *jeff* star?
DV: fire!
[jeff star kills like, 7 or 8 jeffs]
GF: that spoon is still dirty
ME: but I just got it out of the dishwasher
GF: I can see the mayo on it
ME: yeah but it’s clean mayo now
[in ambulance]
“Sir, do you know your blood type?”
“Yeah [coughs & points to wound] red.”
When I was 30, I had a fling thing with a 22 year old. He subtweeted me on here and i didnt even have Twitter. My younger cousin showed me the tweet. 6 years later, and I’m finally mad about it.
Whatever happened to Lindsay Lohan’s twin sister?
Haven’t seen or heard anything from her since Parent Trap
If I was a giraffe, I’d get a neck tattoo of the Empire State Building.
So my wife discovered I keep writing “please help me” in the memo line of all my personal checks and now I’m not allowed to have checks.
*sneaks into sons room to scare him*
*trips over skateboard*
*steps on something squishy*
*turns light on*
*makes him clean his room*
a murderer tries to stab me but im wearing rollerskates and he just kind of pushes me a few feet
‘oh there’s not a big enough piece of cheese left to grate I’ll just eat this last bit’ *shoves 2/3 of a mozzarella ball in my mouth*
The husband came home from work, handed me a package and said “I bought you a new toilet seat.”
I took the package and said “yay!” without sarcasm.Sincerely,
18 years of marriage.
Me: I have Schrödinger like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
Me: Yes and No.
If you carry a knife in your mouth, people wont ask you what your Valentines Day plans are.
Being nice is exhausting, which is why evil people have so much energy.
as a kid: i have to save up for this toy
as an adult: i have to save up for this rent
“This isn’t working out,” I insist to my girlfriend as we glide effortlessly downhill on her tandem bicycle.
perfume should come with instructions
like on medicine: Dab LIGHTLY on pulse
points Do NOT marinade in event of
overdose take shower
I just “shaved “both my legs with the little plastic cap still on the razor and didn’t notice until I was “finished” with the second leg.
I just scraped shaving cream off my legs like ice off a windshield.
What smells better than it tastes?
A nose.
Sign your kids up for sports so that they can get exercise, and drive-thru for dinner.
i’m pretty sure chicken soup was meant for a bowl, not your soul
I’ve had like 6 red bulls, so of course I’m vacuuming the front yard.
i am not one 22-year-old, i am actually two 11-year-olds stacked on top of each other wearing a trench coat
Flight attendant: Do we have a doctor on board
Me: I have a PhD in mathematics
Flight attendant: one passenger is having a heart attack and one passenger is having an asthma attack
Me: *nodding* that makes two
I’ll go to extreme lengths to get the last bit of toothpaste from the tube but I’ll also watch 2 hrs of Nick Jr if I can’t reach the remote.