HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i don’t take u seriously
HER: yes
ME: yeah right
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My fortune cookie fortune:
___________________________
| |
| *ʀᴇᴘʟᴀᴄᴇ ᴛᴏɴᴇʀ* |
|__________________________|
Video games have given me an unrealistic expectation of how easy it should have been to get sneakers on a hedgehog.
I’m sorry we fought. I hate it when you’re wrong.
Are designated drivers only for people who drink?? Coz I’ve already dropped my keys twice just walking to my car.
[in hell journal day 211]
I’ve asked if it was hot in here 932 times in 211 days. the dark lord is angry but he has nowhere else to send me
Whatever, Usain Bolt. I’ve been finishing in under 10 seconds for years.
[during sex]
Him: are you on your phone?
Me: it’s called live tweeting maybe you’ve heard of it
Breaking news:
DAUGHTER: What if the moon isn’t big and far away, what if it’s close but really small?
ME: Haha, no it definitely isn’t.
[2AM]
ME:WIFE: Go to sleep.
ME: What if it is though?
turn-ons:
• eye contact
• people who pay attention to me
• people who know how to push my buttons
• oh god im a television
• how did this h―
[I open my lunchbox to find flask of whisky]
But that means….
[Cut to my 4 y/o opening her lunchbox to find a flask of whisky]
Emotions so raw, Gordon Ramsay makes a clever joke about them.
Why’s this 66 year old fridge better than the one I got now
never leave a toddler alone in a room with your burritos
friend: What’s one thing marriage has taught you?
me: If you walk into the house eating a candy bar you better have one for her too
Since Julius Caesar’s assassination was a group project there were definitely some guys who did just enough stabbing to get a passing grade.
Me: baby, with you every friday is good friday
Wife: aw that’s sweet
Jesus: wow
friend: you’re pregnant! do you know what you’re having?
wife: we think it’s-
me: snakes. we think it’s snakes
Rat warning in Hong Kong is the best rat warning of all time.
Is a person diagnosed with a Multiple Personality Disorder able to get a group rate from their therapist? Just asking for some friends.
Why call it a couple getting into a dispute into a hardware store rather than “We’ve turned this Home Depot into a House Depot.”
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this.
Happy Caturday!
Me: Tell me about your weekend.
Bob: Why? You never ask.
Me: I find your voice acts like a laxative.
Bob: That’s disgus-
Me: It worked! Bye.
I knew I saw you the moment I laid eyes on you
I’ve started picking furniture up off the side of the road, restoring it, and then selling it on Facebook in order to finance my expensive new hobby, which is picking furniture up off the side of the road and then restoring it to sell on Facebook.
All kids are born with a sixth sense that lets them know the absolute worst time to ask for something.
“Peanuts make me swell up like a beach ball”
“Is that an allergy?”
“No, simile”
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because of my hobby?
wife: yes
me: but on friday february 8th 2018 at 8:17 pm I asked “Is it ok if I became a stenographer” to which you replied “thats fine” to which I replied “great” to which you replied “wait are you typing this right now?”
giddy up Office Depot