HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i’m so optimistic
HER: yes
ME: cool see u tonight
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“YEP, that’s a poop alright!”, and other phrases you’d prefer not to hear coming from the 3 year old’s room.
My favorite doll’s husband was made by me, of a shampoo bottle and a ping pong ball. Good guy, but he just couldn’t stop losing his head over things. Literally
Are there a lot of abbreviations for Maine or is it just ME?
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single poor decision in a pub and I’m starting to think this guy isn’t even a real Uber driver.
The soft snowflakes swirling in the night sky remind me of the time mom had too much gin and threw a roast duck at dad for taking her youth.
[God Creating Dads]
God: Ah, yes. Think I’m done
Dads: Hi Done, we’re Dads!
God:
Dads:
God: *creates the adjustable thermostat*
As long as the stupid phrase “interracial relationship” exists, I’m going to refer to same race ones as a “color-coordinated relationship.”
It’s called a flat stomach in UK but an apartment stomach in America.
Priest: tell me your confessions
Me: I said the f word twice this week
Priest: [70% sure I stole his meatball sub from the church fridge] anything else
I just wish I had someone who wanted to touch me as much as my shower curtain does.
As a teen: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
As a dad: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
Until you show me in the corporate dress code where it says masks & capes aren’t allowed, I must refuse to reveal my identity to the others.
Dogs are too pure for this world 🥺🥺
#goldenretriever #dogs
🤬فقط في مصر 🤬
[antique store]
customer: I want something new for my living room
me: do… do you know what antique means
My mother keeps saying my boyfriend seems like someone who’d be really good with children. Except, she’s never seen him interact with children. She’s only seen him interact with me. So idk where that impression comes from…
*date*
GIRL: I love hot tubs. Do you love hot tubs?
LOBSTER: That’s like the third time you’ve asked me that.
Look sad dragging a kite on the ground at the park and sometimes people will let you join their picnic.
Behind every child flushing the toilet is a parent yelling “WASH YOUR HANDS.”
coworker: What’d you get for Christmas?
me: Drunk
coworker: What did your wife get?
me: Mad
“I think I’m falling for you.”
-replacement skydivers
I asked my wife how to turn Alexa off. She said, I don’t know, have you tried walking through the room naked?
Lost my car keys so I’m forcing the guy at Home Depot to make me new ones based on what I remember about them.
I’m not feeling myself today…
…would YOU do it for me?
If I owned a bar, the only food I’d serve would be warm buns and it would have a dance floor. I would name it Abundance.
I am so sorry.
*connects a taser to doorbell to avoid human contact
My wife often wishes she could use a remote to mute me but the joke would be on her. I’m even more annoying in closed captions.
I hate it when I go to hide out from my kids in the walk-in closet & my husband is already in there hiding out from me.
Is this waiter flirting with me because they just handed me a piece of paper that says ME N U