HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME: did the dog put you up to this
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We’re gonna party like its 1999.
//breaks out Nokia flip phone and starts to panick about Y2K//
Learn to ask more specific questions. It’s not “How do I look?” It’s “Do I look good enough people are surprised I married you?”
Joined Match.com… And all I got was a lit cigarette
Every year, falling coconuts kill more people than shark attacks, but the families of the shark victims are less embarrassed.
I want my funeral to have invitations with RSVP requests so my introvert friends can decline but still feel good about being invited.
all pants are breakaway pants if you’re angry enough
My sense of humor is so dark that my grandmother would have been very unhappy if my sister went on a date with it.
Computer: Login failed. Did you forget your password?
Me: oh shi–[Cut to my password waiting alone on the side of a soccer field]
Guys…. Women aren’t hard….. And if they are… They aren’t Women.
[picking up a pile of things from one room] cleaning is fun! [throwing it into a room I’m in less] and Easy 🙂
If a snake ate a cake
A Person Who Cares has informed me there’s a helium shortage, which I knew.
She said “it’s not just for balloons,” which I also knew.
She asked me if could even name three other uses for helium, which I did.
It was a tough day for A Person Who Cares.
Cop: Sir…
I know, I know. Why is my dog dri-
Cop: WHY IS YOUR DOG DRIVING
I threw the ball too far during fetch
Cop: Fair enough
My sons preschool class had to make a collage depicting family traditions. When asked about his family tradition my kid told his teachers it was “watching tv”
For a goddamn liar he really dropped the ball on this one.
In medieval Europe, it was pretty easy to amass vast armies eager to go into battle and have their heads schwacked off because no one wanted to be alive in medieval Europe.
Can you say your strengths?
“Your strengths”
No like what are they
“My legs maybe”
No, like for work
“Oh lol sorry, idk prob communication”
Human: [doing homework]
Dog: why aren’t you eating that
Her: you look better without your glasses
Me: oh thanks! You look better without my glasses too!
My true love: [gives to me a partridge in a pear tree]
Me: wtf how did you wrap this
[first date]
Her: I’m really into literature.
Me: I love crime and punishment.
Her: Yes! Incredible book, right?
Me: … book?
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything you have in the house
– cook two to fourteen hours.
The doctor asked if I was sexual active.
I shook my head and said “Not in front of the wife”.
Knitting socks for all the geese in the park, they were grateful until they got wet now I have angry geese in wet socks chasing me, this is a powerful lesson I won’t soon forget
Most people call me “bad at pickup lines”
But you?
You can call me tonight.
There is a very fine line between kidnapping an introvert and taking them to a party.
Me: *upon exiting the womb* you’ll be hearing from my lawyer
I now realize that my mom did not actually have eyes in the back of her head. She just did as I do, randomly yell out “stop it” every 30 min
Not sure what a Shakira coochie board is but white people really like it
Home improvement
but it’s just me replacing the metal tubes in the neighbor’s wind chimes with tampons.