HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc u hate ventriloquism
HER: yes
BUNNY: [quietly] don’t let her see u cry
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Someone asked me if I’d found my soulmate and I was like lol I cant even find my debit card.
ME: truth or dare
PRIEST: just take the communion
I’m going to leave the presents out and hide my kids in the closet until Christmas.
2yo is pecking at her sandwich like a bird with her hands behind her back and I’m gonna let her because I’m done with parenting this week.
Interesting how Lassie always happens to be at the scene when a kid “falls” down a well.
87% of parenting is yelling, “DON’T MAKE ME COME IN THERE,” from a different room.
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s that
Son: it’s our house
Me [walks outside with son]: do you see how it absolutely isn’t?
2-year-old: The dog tastes like dirt.
Me: Don’t lick the dog.
2: He licked me first.
It’s ok, stock market. I’m steadily declining every day too.
Disease doesn’t care if you are a celebrity, Micheal J. Fox has battled Parkinson for 22 years, and Jamie Lee Curtis is super irregular!
Neil Patrick Harris couldn’t host a tapeworm without a musical number. #Emmys
I have gotten outta bed 365 days a year for 37 years. That is 13,505 sit-ups.
And not ONE ab to show for it.
if u think ur house is haunted get a cat. whooshing sound? it’s the cat. hear footsteps? def the cat. unseen being devouring your soul? cat.
Boys get 1 polo shirt and wear it till the horse dies!!
“Lemme do a quick poop and I’ll be right with you.” – me working the deli counter
Sorry I’m late, I was watching ghost adventures and they heard a noise.
If I ever get trampled to death by a herd of cattle I want my obituary to say I was pasturized. Thanks.
Dr: you have pneumonia
Hillary: what’s pneumonia
Me: *fighting off secret service* not much monia what’s pneu with you
I’ve only been awake for an hour, but I’ve already been fooled 38 times.
Asking me if I want a bag for the box of tampons I just bought is like asking me if they’re for here or to go.
Customer: can you get me some sandwich sauce
Waitress: mayo?
Customer: FINE, may you get me some sandwich sauce
More often than not, I read applause as applesauce.
@ candidates for local office
hypnotist: next time you smoke, youll taste something disgusting
me: disgusting as in gross or as in morally wrong
hypnotist: idk whatever
[later]
me: *spitting out cigarette* insulin costs HOW much
college is weird bc you have to approach some profs like “dr. [redacted] i am begging on my knees for you to excuse my absence on this date like the pitiful worm i am” and others you can just email like “mary this piece of shit skunk won’t get off my porch. i’m staying home”
Wonder who’s getting killed off this season on Sesame Street
Boy, I hate small talk.
*coworkers all grimace*
He’s right behind me isn’t he?
*Small talk starts cracking his knuckles*
If someone says “long story short” two or more times in a conversation, punching them in the throat is acceptable.
I think that news channel only hired you as a weather forecaster so they could see you get hit by a stop sign in a hurricane.