Her: I’m leaving you and going to my mothers.
Me: Hold on and I’ll come with you. I like to have a good meal for a change…
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I’ve seen the bass pro shop guy naked more than I have myself.
I was offering free mammograms in the company parking lot long before my employer was doing it.
I tell my boyfriend I love him all the time and all he says are things like “make a left in 300 feet” and “you’ve reached your destination.”
*Lips to mike
Mike: Do I know you?
Him: I started dating a younger woman…. She’s sixty-five.
Me: And her parents are OK with this?
#gameofthrones greatest achievement this season: getting us to root for a guy to hook up with a woman we all knew was his aunt.
When Granpa revealed an exit wound scar from WWII it gave me strength to show him the owie owie bruise I suffered closing a faulty pizza box
We just joined a gym and they asked me to pick a 4 digit member number and I opened my mouth and my husband said, “I stg if you use your bank pin.”
I was, in fact, going to use my bank pin💀
[spider’s junk email folder]
-TURN YOUR WEBS INTO $$$$
-HOT SPIDERS ON YOUR CEILING WANT TO MEET YOU
-TRY THE ULTIMATE 8 LEG DIET TODAY
using AI to expand this shot in Fast & Furious 6 and achieve the filmmakers true vision 😌🙏
Give a fish a worm, he lives another day
Teach a fish to worm, he becomes the best breakdancing fish around
Went for a run and now I have to find a way to trade my body in for scrap
Local News: GREG JOHNSON, 41, ESCAPES BEING EATEN BY BEAR
Bear News: FOOD NAMED GARG RUNS FROM LUNCHTIME
Friend: I can’t sleep.
Me: Have you tried putting your phone down?
Friend: Then how will I complain that I can’t sleep?
Stop telling me velociraptor was the size of a large turkey. You’re ruining everything.
Margo: And why is the snow all wet, TODD?
Todd: I don’t KNOW, Margo!
“hey mister can i pet your dog?”
“sure kid”
“what kind is he?”
“that there’s a pure beef vienna son careful don’t get mustard on your shirt”
You would think with the whole “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” that there would be more body builders walking around.
7: My teacher gave me a Christmas card but it’s cursed
Me: That… seems strange
7: That’s how they used to write in the olden days
That awkward moment when the
Priest uses YOUR confession as the
theme for his sermon.Again.
can’t believe alcohol is the legal one. when I get too drunk I want to make the worst mistakes of my life. when I get too high I want to mix all the dipping sauces and be a better friend
What’s that Hitchcock movie with all the birds in it? The Man Who Flew Too Much? To Hatch a Thief? Suspigeon? Birdigo?
My math teacher thought it would be fun to use food as props to demonstrate math equations.
Sadly, I got sausages.
I can’t think of a wurst problem!
#HatDadJoke #IWroteThisStinker
“Good choices” – guy at the liquor store
I work out by ordering a small drink at Burger King, then get up 100 times to refill it.
Drama Llama is what they dubbed me in college. Not because of my theatrics, I earned the name by spitting.
That worked out so much differently in my head.
– an autobiography
hey people that post selfies on Instagram and caption it ‘No Filter’, go with a filter next time. serious