HER: I’m leaving you
ME: Is it because I’m too literal?
HER: no it’s just we’re not working out
ME: *buys both of us a gym membership*
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I saw my ex getting beaten up by half a dozen thugs.
For a second, I thought, “Should I help?”
Then I thought, “No…6 should be enough.”
[date]
HER: it’s getting late
ME: [shouting through my garfield mask] IT’S BARELY 8:15
sisqo: [filing a missing persons’ report] she had dumps like a truck
cop: i keep telling you, i don’t know what that means
[reading Harry Potter]
Me: Do you know what’s going on?
3-year-old: He went to lizard school.
I’d correct her, but her version is better.
God: Give them free will
Angel: Some of them are going to use it to say, “supposably.”
God: You know what? Let’s make a hell, too.
Encore…
Santa: hey I’m 🎶coming to town!
me: oh great that’s-
Santa: I see you when you’re sleeping. I know when you’re awake
me: uh
Santa: I know if you’ve been bad or good so-
me: please don’t come to town
I told my husband that one of the kids isn’t his. He’s not mine either. He just wandered in one day and never went home.
3 Hurricanes
2 Wildfires
A wild tiger roaming I-75Who decided to play Jumanji?
I gave all the neighborhood kids at the summer block party a whistle and was immediately asked to leave. That was easy.
God: “At least I didn’t get FAT.”
Buddha: “At least I didn’t get CRUCIFIED.”
There’s really no cooler place to wear sunglasses than in a submarine.
Pretty sure the inventor of noise-canceling headphones had a young kid trying to learn a band instrument.
Husband opening his new radar detector…
Me- want me to run by really fast?
Him- what? No, that’s not how this works.
Me- *runs by entrance to kitchen*
What North Korea really needs is a decent haircut.
The Hallmark channel. Where else can you watch a two hour movie and not recognize a single actor?
Not sure video Instagram is a good idea. I’ve never looked at a picture of someone’s dinner and thought, “If only I could hear this.”
What do Me, Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny have in common? You guessed it: we’re all white.
Him: how did your duel with your nemesis go?
Me: *kicks stone* we were approaching each other from a distance and I drew my sword too early and had to hold it out for ages like a doofus
*i maintain solid eye contact with my boss, who is in the process of firing me for eating on the job, as i slowly pull out a chalupa from my coat pocket & begin eating it*
I’m going to be a piñata for Halloween: nearly broke & full of candy
Stop acting like you’ve never seen someone with a pocket full of chicken nuggets before 🙄
ME: with the vaccines coming i’m feeling hopeful
HER: yeah life might go back to the way it was
ME: ok now i’m bummed again
😍😂🥰😂😍
Coworker: By your age I was on my 3rd child already.
Me: Wow that’s a lot of kids to eat in a such a short period of time.
i dont swirl my wine because im sophisticated i do it because i can barely stand
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
Man next to to me just said into his phone “You caught me in the middle of a sandwich.” He’s lying. He is not in a sandwich.
fyi, drug mule does not mean youll be getting stoned and riding around on a donkey… worst first day ever
Stick it to the man