HER: I’m leaving you
ME: Is it because I’m too literal?
HER: no it’s just we’re not working out
ME: *buys both of us a gym membership*
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If the government implants a tracking device on me the only useful information they are going to get is how many times I actually pee in a day.
The only spanish I know is from the song Feliz Navidad, so these last few days have been my time to shine.
MOM: why are you dropping breadcrumbs
ME: in case we get lost
MOM: we’re in an ikea
ME:
MOM: give me some breadcrumbs too
*arrives late to the Time Management Skills meeting*
me: i was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: ur not even a suspect
me: i just wanted u to know
The first rule of Thesaurus Club is, you don’t talk about, mention, speak of, discuss, chin wag, natter or chat about Thesaurus Club.
Appliance salesman: *slaps roof of microwave*
this bad boy can fit so many waves in it
Hey guys with your phone in a hip holster, is it because your purse is too full with tampons?
Me, alone in a soundproof room within another soundproof room: *slowly and carefully tears open candy wrapper*
Kids: WHATCHA EATING?!?
Not sure to be insulted or not, but I cleared out a room of coworkers just by announcing
“I have a plan, trust me”
this is my brain when people are trying to explain card game rules to me:
If you eat cake fast enough your Fitbit thinks you’re walking
Pro tip:
Ensure that you never have to spend the holidays at your mother-in-law’s again by telling her that her cooking tastes “institutional.”
You know who doesn’t sleep like a baby? Babies.
The letter R is just the letter P showing off some leg.
ME: Where are the posters?
WIFE: THEY JUST DISAPPEARED!
[In other room]
*cat is furiously stuffing missing dog posters into paper shredder*
Me trying to fit a 4 finger kitkat in my mouth because I’ve just heard one of the kids approaching
“The 59th rule of Fight Club is, we cant park in the lot on Vermont anymore – The owner is being a jerk. Just find street parking. 60th…”
i never would have bought this abandoned lighthouse if i knew that the city wouldn’t let me drop watermelons from the top
[at fire-station]
“I’m putting together a naked firemen calendar and wondered if you guys would like to be involved?”
“Sure. What charity is it for?”
“Charity?”
Weird how Superman’s an alien but looks exactly like a white dude & then he landed in Kansas & not say, mainland China
I hate how websites force you to prove you’re not a robot by making you solve some puzzle only a robot could solve.
If you call the coffee mugs by your bed “a collection”, you never have to take them to the sink
Don’t go hunting down relationships or looking for love. Let it find you. Naturally.
You know, like a jogger finding a body on the trails.
I’ll take ‘Liars’ for $500, Alex
“Sorry that’s not-”
Who is Karen?
“Sir-”
‘Cheaters’ for $1000
“Again that’s-”
*lips on mic* Who is Karen?
Start out each day with a healthy serving of ants. Which is no ants. Don’t put ants in your mouth
OMG, you guys, there’s a button on this stove that says “Stop Time”. Should I press it??
Me squiggling in heated car seat: now I know what meat in a crockpot feels like
“Hey, Mr Tambourine Man, play a song for me.”
*shakes tambourine*
“Got any others?”
*shakes tambourine*
“Sounds a lot like the last one”
[Pastabot 2000 attempts to hand me another bowl of pasta] Jesus christ not now Pastabot