HER: I’m leaving you
ME: Is it because I’m too literal?
HER: no it’s just we’re not working out
ME: *buys both of us a gym membership*
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This woman got so offended when I asked if I could pet her son, like I’m the one who put him on a leash.
friend: I have a theory that the center of the Earth will cool and become solid
me: wow, that’s hardcore
To establish dominance around the dinner table have everyone watch you eat the crust off of their pot pie before serving it to them.
Curious, how many years do you keep a mismatched sock before you can get rid of it? Is it like taxes? 7years?
[hospital]
“Did my dad make it, doctor?”Billy, your dad’s in a better place now.
[crying] “HE’S DEAD?”
Haha no, he went to Disney World.
batman: I protect the innocent, the helpless, the people with no one left to save them
alfred: right
batman: also need you to make another costume, I adopted an angsty orphan and wanna send him to fight an insane clown
For the last 60 days, a guy from Tinder has texted me some variation of “Hi. How are you?”
I reply, “Good. You?”
And the conversation trails off there or after a few more texts.
He never makes plans to go out.
I guess he’s just making an Excel spreadsheet about how I am.
You’ll never be as lazy as whoever named the fireplace.
how to achieve the perfect smokey eye: apply eyeliner yesterday
nurse: do u want a pill for anxiety
me: no need i already have it
me, after scolding my kids: *walking away*
son: ALEXA, play the Imperial March
Kudos to NPH for keeping it brief. #Oscars
Chad Kroeger from Nickelback loves taking part in nativity plays. He has played Joseph, the Inn Keeper and even the back end of a donkey.
But he’s never made it as a wise man.
We cracked the code to potty training our daughter. Spider man underwear. It took her picking out her own Spider-Man underwear to completely potty train herself. She won’t have an accident because she “can’t go potty on Spider-Man”. I can’t believe that’s all it took lol
[me, in a sting operation]
Can I buy your best stuff?
DRUG DEALER: what do u mean by stuff?
*talking into my shirt* what do I mean by stuff?
INTERVIEWER: We want someone who isn’t just a yes-man, you know what I mean?
ME [clever] no
(first day as a bartender)
customer: fifth of scotch.
me: cool. i’m half Puerto Rican.
visiting your parents is great because you get free food and all it costs is your entire mental wellbeing
My 6yo has invented this new thing called “dessert for lunch” and it basically means he can have ice cream after lunch because he’s definitely gonna eat all his dinner. Definitely.
I think it’s nice when bank robbers carpool.
me: if the prince truly loved cinderella he would remember her face. he just had a foot fetish and great resources.
guy: where is our regular priest
No one loses an argument when they’re carrying a chain saw.
Doctor: have you been getting enough fiber?
Me: this summer I accidentally ate a fly
just got divorced on zoom in a dunkin donuts, the way the lord intended
[wife enters as I’m doing the worm] Wife: WTH are you doing? Me: It’s not what it looks like. Worm: Who the hell is she?!
My wife’s left me for being too clingy & needy.😢
No wait, she’s back. She hadn’t left me, she was just making a cup of tea.God I missed her.
Hey girl, did it hurt? Did it hurt when you had to use your fingernails to rip through the dense layers of sediment on your way up from Hell
me at 15: i can’t wait to go to college and PARTY!!
me at 20: ok so listen. there’s a new grocery store and GET THIS. i got a mango for 56 cents
ONLY Justin Bieber could make doing drugs look not cool…
*pulls away from kissing*
batman, is this why I’m your sidekick?