HER: i’m leaving you
HIM: is it because we can’t have children or my obsession with The Princess Bride?
HER: both
HIM: [under breath] inconceivable
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7 years ago to this day, I swallowed my gum and broke a mirror, so as you might imagine, this is a pretty big day for me.
Have been woken up with the hangover from hell by the sound of my neighbour’s lawn mower. He’ll just have to mow around me, I’m not moving.
I asked my dad if he could hang a mirror in the bathroom for me but I guess I should have been more specific because he ended up putting it right over the toilet instead. Oh well, my son loves watching himself pee now.
You’re not allowed to make up words. It’s illexical
SEXY FLATMATE: I miss my boyfriend
ME: The doctor?
F: He never comes round anymore
ME [smiling at my room full of apples] Yeah it’s so weird
Instead of ghosting someone, tell them why & what they did wrong. We need less idiots out there
“Sleep is for the dead”. Yeah cos you look so alive when you’re yawning. #stupidsayings
I’m just saying, instead of calling it a “mule”, it would have made more sense to call it a honkey.
I can’t believe these women are just walking around with yoga mats like a game of yoga might just break out at any moment
So it turns out that fat bearded man whose lap I was sitting on at the mall wasn’t Santa. LOL drugs.
Carpenters are only in it for them shelves.
The best way to tell someone you don’t like them is to text them 370HSSV 0773H and tell them to read it upside down.
Desperation
-Fragrance by Social Media
*runs thru a couple holding hands like it’s the finish line of a marathon.
The term “baby steps” is so offensive to babies. If you’re a baby, taking a step is the most impressive thing you’ve ever done.
Him: I’m head over heels for you, baby.
Me: So you’re like, standing?
sitcoms would be a lot more believable if they had 5 loads of laundry waiting to be folded on the sofa
you would not believe that one of the reasons i’m most excited to move out is so i can own a bean bag in every room of my house
I’m quiet and not great about confronting neighbors, so I renamed our wifi Everyone Hates Your Rooster, Greg.
Doctor’s office: You’re overdue for a physical.
Me: Ok.
Dr: We recommend you getting one as soon as possible.
Me: Do I have to?
Dr: You really should get one ASAP.
Me: Ok. Fine. Schedule me for one.
Dr: The earliest appointment we have is 6 months from now.
Not to brag but my Motorola flip top phone still has the same full charge since 96′
her: i only date woke guys
me: [trying to impress] i have insomnia
How dare you call me mentally unstable, on this, the day of my cat’s quinceanera.
I think I might have a shower.
*checks*
Yes, I have a shower.
Been living in Texas for over a decade and have never been invited to a shindig, orgy, hoedown, hootenanny, or anything
When I was a kid I remember passing a sign that said “littering 300 fine”
I read that as it was ok to litter after 3 o’clock
[pretends my phone rings while on date] i gotta take this. hello? oh hi [watches date for reaction]… the teenage mutant ninja turtles
It is what it is. Unless it’s cauliflower. Then it is what it isn’t.
I didn’t answer the door when my neighbor knocked because I didn’t feel like it, but then they started having a whole gathering outside and now I have to pretend I’m not home for probably another 2-3 hours.
My parallel parking skills are unparalleled.