Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Because of the ancient Roman literature puns?
Her: Yah
Me: But Aenid you
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Wife: can you change the baby
Me: oh thank god. I’m so glad you said that. Yes, yes I will
Wife: I don’t mean swap it for a new one
Me: …
Yup….perfect score!
I disagree with liquor store hours. It’s 8am..let me in.
wife: u should’ve paid more attention in school
me: what why
wife: u brought home the wrong kids
Day 4 of quarantine: I’ve gained 796 pounds.
*finds another dead plant on patio*
[shaking fist to sky] I can’t be the only one watering things around here!
I’m eating tacos while wrapped up inside my tortilla blanket. I’m a taco eating a taco. It’s glorious
Weather channel: It’s going to get up into the mid-30’s this afternoon but it’ll still feel like it’s in the teens.
Me: Literally me.
*after several minutes of searching, the genealogist looks up at me*
it seems that you come from a long line of people who have gotten tragically lost in corn mazes
Me: *cooking a Caribbean meal*
Her: smells great in there, and I hear you’re playing a little steel drum music to get us in the mood
Me: *frantically scraping cremated jerk chicken from pan* steel drum music, yes
I miss going to weddings just to bring home the centerpieces.
If they tweet about you, establish dominance by retweeting them.
I will judge you by how much dust is on your ceiling fan
When the instructions say so easy a child could do it, I assume you mean one of those genius 12-year-olds who double major at MIT.
Can you imagine liking anyone well enough to go into pairs figure skating?
You come into my house on this, the day of my dark chocolate soy milk’s expiration?
it’s only a faux pas if it’s from the faux pas region of france, otherwise it’s just a sparkling oops
Every one hides their keys under a rock, it’s way too obvious folks.
Instead, try hiding it somewhere no one will ever expect, like in an active wasp nest or in your dogs mouth.
The key to losing weight is to eat like you’re in a video game — don’t bother with it 99% of the time until you’re about to die
Review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
If my dog doesn’t like you, then I don’t like you. Unless you’re hot, then the dog can go in the crate for a couple hours.
I am at the mall at 6:30 pm on a Monday in July. I have seen so many belly buttons
my kid correcting me about a dinosaur fact
I’ll call it a smartphone the day I yell “where’s my smartphone?” And it yells
” Down here in the couch cushions”
“The only difference between heterosexual and homosexual sex is which hole you stick it in.”
~my mother after a few drinks
What type of magazine do cows read?
Cattlelogs.
Everyone thinks they won’t be that couple that goes from ‘everything you do is a turn on’ to ‘you’re breathing too loud’ but they will be, oh they will be
If someone says “With all due respect,” what follows is the verbal equivalent of a captive chimp hurling feces at you.
Do Flat Earthers also believe the sun and moon are flat?
Like, is the entire solar system just a mismatched collection of space dinner plates?
Me: sometimes when a door closes there’s a window that opens
Car Repair Man: yeah I’ll definitely take a look at that