HER: I’m leaving you
ME: But why?
HER: There’s just no chemistry between us anymore
CHEMISTRY: Wow, I’m like right here
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[in ambulance]
“Sir, do you know your blood type?”
“Yeah [coughs & points to wound] red.”
Doctor – “you’ve been bitten by a spider. Ever see that movie Spider-Man?”
Me – “no?”
Doctor – “and I’m afraid you never will. You’re dying”
DATE: my eyes are up here
ME: [imediately looking up from their dog] sorry
We need to take better care of the ocean because terrifying things live down there & if we destroy their home, they are going to come into ours. If you think traffic is bad now, wait until Cthulhu is sitting in the middle of the highway trying to eat a school bus.
if swimming is really exercise then why dont fish have mega muscles. yeah i thought so. drain the pool so we can skateboard in it
“Yes, waiter, why does it say “there ain’t no rats in it” next to the lasagna?”:
Cause there ain’t no rats in it
“But why woul
AIN’T NO RATS
I’m not always a couch potato. For instance, right now I am a chair potato. And later I will be a bed potato.
JESUS: *Turns water into La Croix*
ME: *Takes sip* Oh…yeah. I guess… *takes another sip* Yeah, I guess this is kind of different.
JESUS: Better?
ME: No… no, not better.
Doctor: I have good news and bad news
Me: What’s the good news?
Doctor: The good news is you’re alive. The bad news is you’re going to have to diet and exercise to stay that way
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
“Go on, fake throw the ball again, Phil. I dare you.”
A boy asked his bitcoin-investing dad for 1 bitcoin for his birthday.
Dad: What? $15,554??? $14,354 is a lot of money! What do you need $16,782 for anyway?
That girl from The Exorcist was a real head turner
Romeo: I lost my cow
Juliet: wherefore art cow Romeo?
I should be able to preheat my bed like an oven
At this point I’d just like to have my winter body back.
I follow mattress delivery trucks around all day, because I like the smell of freshly braked bed.
Professor X: what’s your super power?
Me: hindsight
Professor X: that’s not going to help us
Me: yes I see that now
Make a dating service for introverts and call it Mumble
Welcome to your 40s, you now respond to every younger person telling you their age with “Jesus Christ”.
it’s so crazy how the abbreviation for pound is lb and everyone is like yeah sure ok
Lots of stores are gonna close as a result of this. That means there will be roughly 700% more Spirit of Halloween stores come October
JESUS: Take and eat; this is my body
ME: Umm
JESUS: Drink. This is my blood
ME: Can we get another waiter please!
JESUS: This is my mixtape
I just raced a Smart car. He barely beat me, but that’s only cuz I stopped to tie my shoe.
Him: Brunch tomorrow?
Me: No, I’ll be asleep.
Him: What time will you be awake?
Me: I don’t understand the question.
The “decorative soaps” in my bathroom are glazed donut holes.
Love is that feeling you get when you meet someone that makes you forget about all of your problems cuz they’re causing all new problems.
I would love my job so much more if I didn’t have to hide my flask.
Doctor: How did you manage to get this stuck in your throat?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
“Wow he’s good” -possum at the morgue