HER: I’m leaving you
ME: But why?
HER: There’s just no chemistry between us anymore
CHEMISTRY: Wow, I’m like right here
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[finishing last sip of wine]
waiter: would you like another glass?
me: no just refill this one
ME: Happiness often sneaks in through a door that you didn’t realize you left open.
ANIMAL CONTROL OFFICER: You weren’t supposed to name the raccoon before we got here-
Car wash vacuums can suck up old french fries, leaves, 57 cents, car keys, Ray-Bans, your first born but not that weird debris stuck in your cupholder.
Kids: *doing something they shouldn’t*
Me: Stop or I’ll be mad
Kids: *keep doing it*
Me: Stop or Mom will be mad
Kids:*stop immediately*
*strips off clothes, stands on desolate highway holding sign saying “Last Naked Guy For 75 Miles”
Every time a plumber swears assume they’re going to add $100 to your bill.
Spider-Man: I climb like a spider and shoot webs to prevent crime!
Ant-Man: I shrink to the size of an ant to defeat enemies!
Cowboy: I uh
Spider-Man: Go on!
Cowboy *quietly* I have 4 stomachs
People be like “You knew what you were signing up for when you had kids” as if we had any idea we’d have to homeschool them through a global pandemic
ladies say I’m a hamster in the sheets because I squeal when I’m uncomfortable and I leave small pellets in the bed
[sloth wedding]
“I”
[six months later]
“do.”
COP: I need to see some ID
ME: [hands him ID]
COP: this isn’t yours
ME: you said “some”
COP: lol wow good point you’re free to go
Destined to be a firefighter from birth.
No horror movie will ever be as scary as the sight of the water going up instead of down when I flush the toilet.
As seen on Reddit: “Tradition is just peer pressure from dead people”.
Discuss.
A garlic dill pickle is not for the unprepared. First, do you carry a toothbrush in your purse?
Wife: My mom is watching our kids for the night.
Me: Oh, baby. Do you know what we can do?
*falls asleep at 7 p.m.*
Nomnomnomnom
I’m crowd funding an organic lettuce purchase from Whole Foods.
If you see my brave face, do not make eye contact and back away slowly. I haven’t worn it in weeks and I’m afraid it has gone rogue.
Overheard
Woman in convenience store to her boyfriend: If you really loved me, you’d buy me a lemur.
NO SCREENS FOR THE WHOLE WEEKEND just fell out of my mouth and if divorce were a facial expression my husband just asked me for one
Don’t think of it as losing followers, think of it as frustrating bots to the point they go away
it’s so funny when a horse is shredded like a bodybuilder. like goddamn dude you wanna be a car so bad
Me: *drowning*
My Fitbit: great job!! Your first ever exercise!
Welcome to middle age. “I carried a watermelon” has gone from movie quote to something you tell your orthopedist.
Chewbacca before you swallowbacca
My kid has been walking around with an uneaten chocolate bar in her backpack for five weeks, if she doesn’t eat it soon I’m going to have to ground her for making poor life choices
That security feature that hides passwords with asterisks does me no good because my password for everything is eight asterisks.