HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i drink my cologne first and then spit it all over myself?
HER: i mean what else would it be
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Welcome to parenting, your kids will never want to speak to you until you’re on the phone speaking to someone else.
New Password: Elephants
<Not strong enough>
New Password: Ants
<Too strong>
New Password: BabyBearsPorridge
<Just right>
13-year-old: Do you know where the cord is to the electric keyboard?
Me, knows exactly where it is: No.
it’s giving duvet, it’s quiltcore, if the vibe was sleepy time she’s serving honk shoooo honk shoooo
Me: “The doctor said to gargle with salt water when you have a sore throat.”
Kid: “Do we even *have* salt water at home?”
Me: “Oh, boy.”
In my experience, the quickest way to escape Jury Duty? As they read out the charges, yell out, “Oh c’mon…even I’ve done THAT!”
They say someone in the US is bitten by a shark 19 times a year.
Poor guy.
“And on the 8th day, God created the platypus because he had some spare parts and thought a hairy duck might be fun.” – Genesis 51:12
*air horn sound*
*second air horn sound*
Me: “This isn’t deodorant.”
“Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus” is on, followed by “Mega Shark vs Crocasaurus”. Nice job, SyFy. Way to GIVE AWAY THAT GIANT OCTOPUS LOSES.
I’m so glad I had a kid so instead of relaxing in the bath, I can have someone explain Minecraft to me in painful detail.
no one:
my roommate at 3:26 am: hey man, did you eat the last Pop-Tart?
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
[Antichrist emerging from the ground]
*looks around*
Oh, I see you’ve all been doing a good job without me.
When a cop asks if I know why they pulled me over, I worry I’ll confess to a crime spree. That’s crazy tho, so I laugh and say, ‘probably because I let you’.
My biological clock is wheezing.
I like extremes. I want a nerd, but he’s gotta be an extreme nerd. Like I don’t even want to understand what he’s talking about.
I’m exactly like Rambo if his bandolier was full of breakfast sandwiches
Goldfish are the only pets with the decency to die just as the novelty wears off.
I bought my daughters two watches for Hanukkah, but one lights up and the other one doesn’t. Please send thoughts and prayers.
i enjoy driving and flying on planes because they both allow me to experience my unrelenting and constant fear of dying but also i get to sit down
Singin’ in the Rain (1952) but with a Velociraptor
POLICE: Sir, do you know how fast you were going?
ME: Jealous much?
The packing insert from our robot vacuum looks like it should be guarding a temple somewhere.
“Wow he’s good” -possum at the morgue
THERAPIST: You need to find yourself
WALDO: ah crap
When we were kids our “get home” text was a streetlight.
I can feel my cat judging me as I lick the spilt gravy off of her coat.
It’s not illegal to get in a taxi and scream until you’ve reached your destination.