HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i drink my cologne first and then spit it all over myself?
HER: i mean what else would it be
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ME: William Shatner ate breakfast before he goes to the gym.
TEACHER: It should all be present tense.
ME: William Shitner eats breakfast before he goes to the gym.
[restaurant]
date: this chicken is a little dry
me: I think my burger‘s undercooked
waiter: how is everything
me: it’s great
date: so good
[Supermarket]
Me: QUICK, WHERE IS YOUR FROZEN SECTION
Assistant: Aisle 7
Me: GREAT [opens trench coat and 6 penguins fall out] let’s go guys
*a ship carrying pineapples gets wrecked*
Government: Housing infrastructure for SpongeBobs was delivered directly to them, cutting out all the red tape, and middlemen.
My dog can predict when an earthquake is going to happen. But television doorbell versus actual doorbell baffles him every time.
The 6 or so days between Christmas and New Year’s is truly No Man’s Land. Like am I supposed to sleep all day? Get my life together? Spend the entire day watching TikToks? Hang out with my parents? Are we in 2019 or 2020? What do I eat besides Christmas cookies?
t-shirt: Lay flat to dry
me: I can’t do laundry lying down
Haunted houses are great but have you ever had a deer clear your hood at 55 mph?
Geologically speaking San Francisco is such bullshit. “I’m gonna make you go up three hills and down two hills to get anywhere!” Grow up.
*at confessional
Priest: ‘Wait. Didn’t I forgive you for that last week?’
Me: ‘Please don’t make this any harder than it has to be.’
I love when you stroke my ego.
My ego is inside my panties.
Some days driving is like Russian roulette, but with squirrels.
If you had asked me what the hardest part of battling a global pandemic would be I would have never guessed, “teaching elementary school math.”
If you’re looking for someone to mute the National Geographics channel and narrate the animals thoughts, look no further.
Enter Sandman is my favourite song about why I don’t have sex on the beach.
Said to my girlfriend that she had changed my life more that she will ever know. She became overwhelmed with emotion. I didn’t have the heart to tell her it was because she showed me a shortcut on Microsoft Excel which I now use daily
I was just about to have sex but then a gust of wind blew my condom into a labyrinth and like a fool I ran in to get it
Canadians leaving south for vacation are like Americans escaping marriage, desperately trying to escape frigid temperatures…
I bet the reason Kim Kardashian hasn’t named her baby is because she doesn’t know she’s supposed to.
Wife: when did we get a new dishwasher
Me: u said change the dishwasher & stack the baby
Wife: how do u stack a baby
Me: u get other babies
8am: eats healthy breakfast
12pm: eats healthy lunch
6pm: eats healthy dinner11pm: rips open bag of chips with teeth & straps it on like a feedbag
’50 shades of gray’ -worst set of crayola colored pencils.
[Carnac the Magnificent]
Donald Trump
Hannibal Lector
Liver and fava beans*opens envelope*
“Name a winner, a skinner, and a dinner”
When I said, “I would sell a kidney for it”, what made you think I meant mine? Hold still.
Every once in a while I’ll be driving while not eating and think, “Wow, this is way easier.”
Had some boneless watermelon for dinner and it was delicious.
[afterlife]
ME: is this heaven or hell
SPIRIT: idk why don’t you bing it
ME: oh noooooo
Leave ‘em wanting more. That’s what I always
imagining a gas station in the 1800s but it’s guys parking their horses as they eat some grain and the guys complain about the price of the grains
I broke up with my boyfriend. He was such a jerk. What a goat!
-Don’t you mean pig?
No. He tried to eat my couch!